"Not compatible with life"

They tell parents who are expecting a baby diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome (T18) that the diagnosis is 'not compatible with life' and if they don't tell you in so many words, they strongly argue for termination regardless.

I never considered my baby 'not compatible with life' - I considered her 'not compatible with death'. Now that she's gone, I consider myself 'compatible with death' though...

I have no clue how to make my way through this grief. I'm lucky I already have children. I should be grateful for what I have. I'm lucky that Willow is no longer suffering. I'm grateful that I never had to make a decision to terminate... Willow quietly slipped away and we found out that her heart had stopped on New Year's Eve. I am grateful that the medical side of things went well... Physically, I'm not suffering... but I feel like I should be. Why do I still have a pulse when hers stopped?

I want to be where my angel is. I miss her so much and I feel so so very empty.

In the real world, people don't want to know about the loss of a child. We are expected to suffer in silence. A dead baby is nobody's business. Without the memories of life, all it does is to remind us of our own mortality - the brevity of our life span... and perhaps about the lack of meaning... or, more accurately, the total nonsense that is the 'meaning' we try to give our lives by making a name for ourselves and gaining approval through our actions in the world.

But I have the memory of holding my very tiny baby in the palm of my hand. I have the memory of meeting her spirit in my dreams. I have heard the voice of her soul and I don't know how to make it stay.... When the placenta wouldn't come out and the blood didn't seem to want to stop gushing out of me, I secretly wished for it to flow until I too could slip away... to be with her, to be spared some of the pain. I'm not proud of it... but I finally know just to what degree death can be mercy now.

I was rushed to theatre for evacuation and it went well - they managed to stop the bleeding. And yes, I was grateful to still be alive when I came out of general anesthesia... I held on to all that was good about life, almost as if someone had reminded me of the reason to live when I was unconscious... the love I share with those still here.

The hospital gave us certificate of her birth. It had her time of birth and it states "Willow, daughter of Lisa and Terry - born silent at 9.28 AM on the 5th of January, 2011." I wanted her ashes but they said she is so small there will be nothing left - she more or less evaporates... So in a sense, she is everywhere. But I already knew that. Everything reminds me of her. Everything.

Grace

Grace wears black sometimes, when she wants us to grow our souls to make room for more love and compassion...

The night before we found out that Willow's heart had stopped beating, I had two dreams. In the first dream, someone had sent me a grief councelling package through the post. It was red with white hearts on and there were baby shoes inside it. Another scene of the same dream hade me lying on a table, shaking with grief, wailing like a mad person.

The day before was one of the most difficult days of my life. I knew we were losing our baby, and amidst all the grief I was taken over by a rage such as I had never known before. It was as if all the pain that every mother had felt since the dawn of time had been poured into me... and I rebelled against it with fire and blind rage. I was Lilith and Kali, and I wanted the world to burn to the ground. I allowed the fires to consume me so that I could be reborn, so that I could rise from the ashes like the phoenix.

It wasn't pretty to behold and my beloved got caught in the firestorm. I was out of control for a while and everything about me was destruction... but the rage only lasted for a few hours because I didn't try to resist or push it down.

The second dream spoke of my animal nature - the instincts that take over when someone or something threatens our offspring. In this dream, my cat was being mauled by a dog. I spotted this from my bedroom window and went outside to try to rescue my cat. The dog then turned on me and started biting me. I woke up mid attack. I instantly knew that this dream represented two aspects of my psyche at war with one another.

The cat is my feminine, instinctual self and the dog is the masculine, logical part of me. As I was faced with the choice to terminate a pregnancy that would only end in suffering the two voices inside me went something like this:

Dog: "Termination is the merciful thing to do. You will prevent much suffering. Don't be so selfish. Think of the kind of suffering these babies are put through. Think of your partner. Remember, you had already discussed the eventuality of what to do if the baby was diagnosed with T18 - don't let your emotions get in the way of doing what is right and humane."

Cat: "Fuck off. Mother Nature knows what She is doing. Stupid dog. Trust your body."

By the time of the dream, the voice of the cat had been silenced by the demise of my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. But in the end, the cat won - Mother Nature had the final word... and I didn't have to make a choice no mother should ever have to be faced with.

Thanks to these two dreams, I was prepared for the results of the final ultrasound scan.

When I woke up in the morning, I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for the decision to be taken away for us by either a miracle of healing or for the baby to go to heaven. Even as I prayed, I knew this was no 'baby soul' but an ancient teacher who had come to grace us with her presence for a spell. I also knew that there would be no healing miracle. I know what they feel like and there was none of that going on.

 Me on New Year's Eve 2010 at 14+1, hours before the final scan

As we were on the way to the hospital, I heard Willow speak. She responded to some thoughts I had about my partner, giving me a more balanced view of what was happening. I don't know how long she will be with me in this way, but I am so very grateful for her presence.

Willow herself gave us her name. This has been confirmed - twice. First my sister told me that she and her partner had decided to plant a willow tree next to a lake, unbeknownst of the fact that 'Beanie' now had a real name. I found out when I rang her up to tell her of the results of the scan. She is going to dedicate this tree to our Willow.

This morning, I found out that a FB friend of mine had only just decided to plant a willow tree too. She said she would think of our Willow when planting it.

Spirit has many ways of making itself manifest. I marvel at the syncronicity here... but I'm not surprised. This is, after all the, same baby girl who appeared to me twice in my dreams already, giving me the sweetest baby kisses... allowing me to know her love for me in a way that surpasses anything I'm able to describe in words... but maybe, if you close your eyes for a moment and allow Willow to come to you... then maybe you will feel her love too.

The past couple of weeks since the 12 week scan have been hell in so many ways, yet I feel so very graced by it all. That doesn't mean that the pain is gone... or that there isn't plenty more to come. I have yet to go to the hospital for induced labour on Monday and Wednesday next week... But Willow lives and she will never have to know pain. All she knew in my womb was unconditional love. That is all she received and all she gave. She is real, alive and I am blessed to know her. I am also blessed with three beautiful healthy children.

On top of all this, we have been showered with love and healing from so many friends. Thank you! We are all connected through a huge web of love. This is real and all that matters in the end. I wouldn't know such love, had I not known the pain that precedes it.

Another FB friend of mine sent me the poem "In the Willow Shade" by Christina Rossetti (thanks, Stephanie!):

I sat beneath a willow tree,
Where water falls and calls;
While fancies upon fancies solaced me,
Some true, and some were false.

Who set their heart upon a hope
That never comes to pass,
Droop in the end like fading heliotrope
The sun's wan looking-glass.

Who set their will upon a whim
Clung to through good and ill,
Are wrecked alike whether they sink or swim,
Or hit or miss their will.

All things are vain that wax and wane,
For which we waste our breath;
Love only doth not wane and is not vain,
Love only outlives death.

A singing lark rose toward the sky,
Circling he sang amain;
He sang, a speck scarce visible sky-high,
And then he sank again.

A second like a sunlit spark
Flashed singing up his track;
But never overtook that foremost lark,
And songless fluttered back.

A hovering melody of birds
Haunted the air above;
They clearly sang contentment without words,
And youth and joy and love.

O silvery weeping willow tree
With all leaves shivering,
Have you no purpose but to shadow me
Beside this rippled spring?

On this first fleeting day of Spring,
For Winter is gone by,
And every bird on every quivering wing
Floats in a sunny sky;

On this first Summer-like soft day,
While sunshine steeps the air,
And every cloud has gat itself away,
And birds sing everywhere.

Have you no purpose in the world
But thus to shadow me
With all your tender drooping twigs unfurled,
O weeping willow tree?

With all your tremulous leaves outspread
Betwixt me and the sun,
While here I loiter on a mossy bed
With half my work undone;

My work undone, that should be done
At once with all my might;
For after the long day and lingering sun
Comes the unworking night.

This day is lapsing on its way,
Is lapsing out of sight;
And after all the chances of the day
Comes the resourceless night.

The weeping willow shook its head
And stretched its shadow long;
The west grew crimson, the sun smoldered red,
The birds forbore a song.

Slow wind sighed through the willow leaves,
The ripple made a moan,
The world drooped murmuring like a thing that grieves;
And then I felt alone.

I rose to go, and felt the chill,
And shivered as I went;
Yet shivering wondered, and I wonder still,
What more that willow meant;

That silvery weeping willow tree
With all leaves shivering,
Which spent one long day overshadowing me
Beside a spring in Spring.

Edwards Syndrome - Trisomy 18

Doc phoned us today - a day early - with bad news. It's Trisomy 18, aka Edwards syndrome. My partner and I had already covered all eventualities and agreed that the only diagnosis that would lead to termination was this one. In a way it's kind of odd that we had already talked about this possibility since Edwards syndrome is quite rare - only 1 in 3000 conceptions and 1 in 6000 live births. 

I'm still in shock... A small voice is whispering 'What if they got it wrong?'... but then my intuition at the last scan was that the baby wasn't going to make it. The edema is covering the whole body. We're seeing the specialist again on Friday to discuss our options, but I've decided that the most merciful route is termination ASAP. That said... do I have it in me? I'm scared.

This is not a journey I ever expected to be on. How we take things for granted... Three healthy children, no miscarriages and you think you're immune to this stuff.  


It is a girl, by the way. I wanted to know. My dreams were right. Apparently girls have a slightly higher chance of making it to live birth, but even then most die within the first few days. Their short lives are sheer agony as pretty much nothing works the way it is supposed to. Forgive me, but I'm not prepared to allow that kind of suffering. Also, I feel that this baby wouldn't make it to live birth anyway since it already has hydrops fetalis.

CVS

Christmas Eve morning - driving up the A1 to the big hospital

Yesterday, on the morning of Christmas Eve, my partner and I set off for the big city hospital that our specialist had referred us to for the CVS. This is a biopsy of the placenta in order to determine if the fetus has any chromosonal abnormality.

The biopsy is done with an ultrasound scan and I was able to watch the procedure under local anasthetic. It wasn't painful. However seeing the worsened condition of Beanie and how the edema had spread througout its tiny little body brought me to tears.

I was able to hold it together thanks to the support of my partner, but his heart sank as well when he saw the scan images. The doctor paused mid scan to allow us to digest the information and allow for questions. My only question was if there was any hope at all. I had never read any accounts of the fetus surviving once the edema had spread like this, but she assured me that it was still possible.

For my own sanity, I decided to stop hoping then and there. I still love my little beanie, but the odds just aren't there. Hope is a luxury I can't afford in the case of the most likely outcome here.

Now we have to wait until Thursday next week for the preliminary results and then another week after that for the full test results. Around the time of getting the full test results we should be seeing the specialist at our local hospital again for another scan. I see it as going through the motions... detaching as much as I can.

The first scan at 12+1 showed a cystic hygroma of 6.7 mm. The next day, the hygroma had grown another mm and there was liquid around the abdomen. A week later (yesterday 13+1) the edema covered the whole body. I believe we're losing beanie in spite of so many people praying for us and sending beanie healing, and in spite of the glimmer of hope held out to us by the doctor who performed the CVS.

The staff at the big hospital were ever so nice. I found the whole experience rather comforting - especially compared to previous experiences where I've had to entrust my own health in the hands of health care professionals. These people genuinely care. Perhaps it goes with the territory. People who enter the field of fetal medicine probably have a genuine fascination with life and helping it blossom.

I also believe we'll be able to cope much better thanks to everyone's loving thoughts... but right now I'm in limbo. I've decided to like it here. It's grey and quiet.

Specialist's Opinion

Yesterday was my 12 week dating scan that my partner and I both had looked forward to so much, fully expecting everything to be alright and rejoicing so very much at the thought of seeing our Beanie for the first time. I blogged about the bad news we received in yesterday's post, and we've now been to the Friarage hospital in Northallerton to see the specialist we were so urgently referred to.

Last night, I managed to drift off peacefully with thougths of the lovely support, healing and prayers that are being sent up on behalf of Beanie, and I felt quite hopeful as we set off for the hospital this morning. I wanted to feel my grandmothers with me, so I wore a bracelet from them each for ancestral support. The antique silver bracelet is an heirloom from my maternal grandmother and the Sami leather and beadwork bracelet was made by my paternal grandmother.

The scan images were a lot clearer on the hospital monitor and we were able to get a clear view of our beautiful Beanie. Apart from the fluid, the fetus looks absolutely perfect, and the heart looks strong and healthy as far as the specialist doctor was able to tell.

Unfortunately, the nuchal swelling looked even worse today and measured well over 7 mm. There was also discernable swelling around Beanie's abdomen.

But all I saw was a beautiful, and healthy-looking baby... and I'm guessing that is why I pulled the Star card as my card of the day (a friend also pulled the Star for Beanie this morning). Even when the doctor told us that there is a 60% risk of chromosone damage with this type of cystic hygroma, and that even if it turns out to be chromosonally normal, chances are there is some other severe abnormality connected with the hygroma, I kept thinking Beanie is alright.

The next step on this journey is to have a Chorionic villus sampling (CVS), scheduled to take place on Christmas Eve. Normally, I would get the test results back in two days, but now I'm having to wait until the following Wednesday.

If the CVS comes back negative for chromosonal abnormality, we wait until the week 16 scan when the specialist will be able to check the fetus for other possible abnormalities that aren't covered by the CVS. By then we should know enough to make a decision whether to terminate or continue the pregnancy. I will trust my own inner guidance above that of the doctors when making the final decision though. In my experience, they are quite often wrong.

A big heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who are praying for us and sending healing to Beanie. Your loving support means more than you'll ever know!

Orgasmic Birth

When I started researching and discussing waterbirth with my friends, the topic of 'orgasmic birth' came up. There are a few videos about this kind of birthing experience on youtube. I chose to post one that allows embedding here on the blog. The woman in the video is quite graphic in her description so viewer discretion is advised.

The idea of making the birthing experience pleasurable is completely new to me. I was in pain to the point of feeling traumatised by each of my three labours/births. I'm trying to rewire the hardware in my brain to make it possible to experience pleasure when the contractions set in.

I would love to hear from you if you have experienced an orgasmic or sensual birth.

First Midwife's Appointment and A Talking Baby Girl

I've not been on here for a while. Feeling yuk is demotivating when it comes to any creative pursuits... My other blog is suffering too if that is any consolation.

I had my first midwife's appointment on Thursday. My partner came with me. The midwife seems nice and everything went well. I'm considered 'high risk' due to a couple of medical conditions but other than that everything is looking great and unless I weigh more than 90kg at the time of birth, I still qualify for a waterbirth.

Giving birth in water is something I have wanted to try since my first pregnancy but waterbirths were banned in Sweden many years ago. Luckily I'm in the UK now. Fingers crossed that the birthing pool is free on the day!

Apparently you are given three scans here in the UK. Wow. In Sweden we only get one. Week 17 - that's it. My first one will be week 12 so that's only a month away... Can't wait!

The due date I was given by the midwife is the 30 June 2011. I expect it might be adjusted by a day or two after the scan.

I was offered supplemental anti D shots due to being Rh neg but I think I'll manage without out. I had the shot after my youngest was born so I don't expect any complications.

My partner and I agreed on declining the Down's syndrome tests. I'm glad we share the same outlook.

Last night, I had a dream about a beautiful talking baby girl. She was only a few months old and we were going through the alphabet together. I wonder if this means we'll have a girl... possibly with Mercury in Gemini if she's going to speak that soon!

I also had a dream about collecting gemstones from a seashore. I found lapis lazuli and blue lace agate. I will be using those stones in this week's distant healing session, along with a lovely blue candle.

L'Odyssée de la Vie

I'm 7 weeks pregnant today and when I woke up this morning I found that a friend of mine had posted a version of L'Odyssée de la Vie to my inbox on FB (thank you, Moonseed!)... I managed to find the full length video on YouTube. Watching this brings me into a state of spiritual ecstasy. Enjoy!

Doh!

These are the seeds from my Ostara Apple Offering to the Goddess. I knew it was important for me to look at and document the seeds - I just didn't know WHY... there are three unsprouted seeds and one sprouted seed. I knew the sprouted seed had to do with new life... something new being born or created... I just never expected to fall pregnant this year! Also, look at how the seeds are grouped. The first two at the top are my first two children, born a year apart (1995,1996). The third is Miranda (born in 2002) and the fourth is 'beanie'... due on the 28th of June, 2011. WOW!!!!

Hormonally Yours

Poor bloke didn't know what he signed up for. Week 6 means that the hormonal seasaw is in full swing. A bitten off head, anyone? It's OK, I've got several and I can't eat much at the moment anyway - I feel too sick.

In case you didn't know it, you absolutely cannot win an argument with a pregnant woman. She is right. Get used to it.

I'm a touchy hormonal handful right now and I know it. You will learn to love it and if I'm not feeling supported you will know about it.

Morning Sickness Again

I thought I'd dodge that bullet good and proper like I did with the other three, but it seems that beanie comes with little waves of queasiness. It started a few days ago and I thought I might have to give up coffee as it seemed to push me over the edge. Don't get me wrong, I don't hurl. (Nothing except too much vodka ever had the power to make me throw up.) But I feel terribly fragile and lose my appetite.

It turns out that the antidote is not ginger tea, lemon essential oil or any of the other tried and tested methods for keeping morning sickness at bay - it's simply to keep on moving. If I'm physically active there is no queasiness. That's Mama Nature's way of making sure I'm strong and healthy methinks.

I love to move. I'm happy when I move. I'm blessed with a great gym and beautiful woodland walks. The only thing missing at the moment is a dance studio. If anyone has one to spare, please get in touch!

Thank Goddess!

Because my last pregnancy was nearly a decade ago, I find myself taking stock of how I'm different mentally and emotionally this time around. I can honestly say that I have the Goddess to thank for being much stronger today than I was 8-9 years ago. Connecting with Goddess energies and honouring the Goddess within has made a world of difference.

I was clinically depressed during most of my third pregnancy, and actually got better post partum. I hated being pregnant, I feared giving birth and I hated my body. Luckily, I was able to get help from a good councelor. I was made to see one when I begged for a cesarian. One of my biggest fears was that the midwife wasn't going to be there during the pushing stage. Swedish hospital had already begun to experience staffing problems when my first child was born, and by the time I found out I was pregnant with my third, I had already lived through the hell of going through the transition phase and the first couple of pushes on my own... having to desperately shout to get somebody's attention.

Ironically, I went through the very same scenario with my third as well - at least I was better prepared this time. I swore to myself like a seargeant would to a bunch of useless squaddies. Anger works better than fear. Yep, the third delivery was the best by far.

Physically, I'm different too this time around, of course. But not that much. I'm yearning to get back into belly dancing again, and I'd love to try dancing my way through the entire pregnancy as well as the early stages of labour. Dancing ties all the spaces together for me - it's a way of connecting the dots between the spiritual and the physical.

Only Women Allowed!

I've made my mind up. I don't want my partner in the delivery room with me. However, I would like a female birthing partner, a.k.a. a doula. Thinking back to my past three deliveries I realize full well that there is very little thought going on while giving birth. There is a lot of feeling though. My experience is that a male partner cannot enter that feeling space, whereas a woman who has given birth herself should hopefully be able to be right there with you...

He's fine with not being in the room with me while I give birth, thank Goddess. And yeah, we have a while to go yet and we might both change our minds, but this is how I feel about it now.

We have our first midwife's appointment booked in for the 11th of November which we will both be going to. This is the first time going through this process for me in the UK and his first time as a father-to-be, so we both need to clued get up.

The Veil

Is it possible to become even more sensitive? I'm a natural born empath but my sensitivity is now off the charts. Every little thing registers like a medium sized earth quake... Dreams linger like an extra layer of cloting during the day and the veil between worlds appears flimsy like broken cobweb.

It is clear from the Vortex Tarot reading I did for myself last night (Samhain/Halloween) that I could do with grounding my energy - The Ace of Swords was located in the Root Chakra, as if to say that I'm mentally cutting the chord that grounds me into Gaia. In the Circle of Life Tarot, the Ace of Swords depicts a pregnant woman with a beetle hovering in the air next to her. It's quite a surreal image but it really, really fits in the root chakra right now.

Yesterday, I was reminded of a couple of women who crossed the line while giving birth. If you are already sensitive, the pain of giving birth might be all it takes to push you over the line into a full blown psychosis... But what is a psychosis? In a less patriarchal society, experienced older women might step in if this occurs. They might look after the baby until the new mother has completed the journey and integrated the soul fragments that broke off due to the pain... They might even help her sing her soul back into the body.

Instead social services take the child off the mother and she is put in an institution where she is made to medicate against a condition that medical experts don't understand...

I sometimes feel like I missed a turn and ended up on the wrong planet...

Please check my website Well of Urd out to sign up for free distant healing or to order a tarot reading!

You're Trapped!

Even though I feel lucky and blessed... I wake up sometimes and think that 9 months from now, the baby will need me almost all of the time. I will go from having quite a lot of me-time to being the world to someone who depends on me for everything.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and I really want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I can't fool my brain into believing that the last couple of months aren't going to be uncomfortable. I remember all too well how difficult it was to sleep when the bump got bigger. I will it to be different this time. I will myself to be more patient and kinder to myself. I will myself to delegate more.

Deep breath.

Then I think about how quickly the first year passes... and before you know it they are out of nappies. And I remind myself that there is nothing to keep me from being creative once the baby is born. I can still write and be inventive.

It's going to be different this time... only I don't know how yet. Many unknowns for me to leave in the loving hands of the Goddess. I feel better already for having shared these thoughts. Hey, it's OK to be a bit freaked out about having your body hijacked!

My grandmothers feel close tonight - it's All Souls Night after all and I ask for their blessing on this new life. I think about generations of mothers and grandmothers with gratitude. May their wisdom not be lost. May we return to the ways of the Ancient One.

If I had only one wish tonight it would be for the insanity to stop... for patriarchy to die and for harmony to be restored.

Pregnancy Thoughts Week 5

I'm feeling hungry pretty much all the time. I don't remember this from my other three pregnancies but maybe it is more important to ensure that all nutrients are freely available to the fetus now that I'm over 40. I trust my body and eat anything beanie baby fancies. I also work out so I'm hoping not to turn into a total blimp. The gym has never felt this much fun before for some unknown reason...

When is too soon to start thinking of names? I can't help it. I'm already thinking of names. Initially, I wanted to go for something really 'out there' like Quasar for a boy or Nebula for a girl... but with more thought as well as input from friends and family I'm leaning towards slightly more traditional names.

Adam Quinnlan for a boy... maybe... And an 'N' name for a girl... maybe Nereida (thanks Catti) or Neytiri. My youngest daughter wants it to be Kathy if it's a girl. She's obsessed with Wuthering Heights. But like I said on a FB thread, nothing is settled until I have met and greeted the baby. My other three only have two names so in the name (no pun intended) of fairness we should give beanie two names as well.

I'm finding it difficult to focus and I'm finding that sometimes when I listen to long strings of information they get all jumbled up in my mind. I feel stupid, simply put. But it's all good. Having a sharp mind wouldn't do me any favours when the baby arrives. I might as well prepare for living in a milky fog while breastfeeding, which I intend to be doing for a minimum of six months.

To be perfectly honest, I quite enjoy slowing down... A slower mind makes everything slower. Patience seems easier to come by too. I'm not saying I don't get hormonal. Ask my partner. But I'm mostly a happy bunny. Oh, and please ignore any typos - I certainly intend to do so.

Tomorrow's Halloween. I'll be celebrating Samhain, the Pagan New Year. I plan on honouring the Crone Goddesses Hekate and Hel. Bright Samhain Blessings to all my Pagan friends and Happy Halloween to everyone else!

Morning Sickness and Sauerkraut Cravings...

I'm lucky. A lot of pregnant ladies and mothers out there will hate me when I say this: I have never suffered from morning sickness. This is my fourth pregnancy and I don't intend to start now. I did feel a wee bit yuck this morning but put it down to scoffing sweeties last night. No more sugary stuff! Well... maybe the odd bit of dark chocolate. I went and bought some ginger root to keep in the fridge just in case. Besides, it makes a lovely warming tea now that the days are getting darker and colder.

An odd craving developed today - sauerkraut. I had about half a jar with my dinner. It was extremely delicious. In fact, I'm salivating as I'm typing this. Might have to go back for more when I've finished blogging.

A friend of my mine thought she might be pregnant, so I dropped the spare pregnancy test I had left over after doing mine. It came out negative but she admitted that it might be too early to tell. Fingers crossed.

Honouring the Feminine

As a woman I have been programmed not to trust my body. Patriarchy tells us that we as women should be ashamed of our monthly cycle. We should be ashamed of the feminine scent - apparently it is better to smell like strawberries than a real woman. We should suppress our reproductive system by adding chemically produced hormones that cause long term damage to our bodies.

As for pregnancy, we are told not to reveal that we are pregnant until it can no longer be hidden (three months is the 'socially acceptable' time to wait). Why? So that we won't be talking about a possible miscarriage later on? And God forbid that we mention having had an abortion or reveal the deep grief that goes with losing a baby at or right after birth!

If we are made to feel ashamed of all these natural bodily functions and occurrences, we are stripped of our Goddess power. In order to create true equality, we need to begin by honouring our bodies. By casting off the masks of shame.

Once we own the strength that comes from naturally flowing with our cycles and the initiatory power that comes from giving birth as well as grieving lost babies and failed pregnancies, we awaken to the power of our inner Goddess. The feminine body is the ultimate expression of the Goddess on this planet. We would all do well to listen to its messages.

Hail the Great Goddess who expresses Herself in each and every one of us! Blessed be! )O(

Starting over again at the gym

My body was beginning to complain a few months before I found out that I was pregnant, and I had been thinking bout going back to the gym for a while when I signed up - the day before I found out! Having been physically active most of my life (ex dancer/dance teacher) and having stayed reasonably fit through walking, I decided to go ahead and start weight training again very carefully. My upper body needs strengthening if I want to avoid back aches from carrying the baby.

I felt absolutely wonderful after the first session!

Unfortunately, the gym instructor didn't know much about weight training during pregnancy (!) but I did some research online and found the following (http://www.fitpregnancy.com/yourpregnancy/labor_delivery/40723272.html?page=2:

The Right Weight Routine

Strength training is safe and one of the best ways to minimize aches and pains. Weight machines are ideal, especially for gym newbies, because they control your range of motion. "During pregnancy, your joints get looser, and it's easy to move outside of your normal range," says Jeffreys. However, if you're accustomed to doing free-weight exercises, you can continue.

Steer clear of any machine with a pad that presses against your belly, such as the seated row machine or abdominal machines. In addition, forgo any overhead lift, since this kind of motion can increase the curve in your lower spine (aka hyperlordosis).

The strength routine below targets the muscles that are key to reducing discomfort during pregnancy. Do 1 or 2 sets of 8 to 12 reps for each except the Plank. Choose a weight that allows you to perform the repetitions properly and comfortably. And after the first trimester, avoid any exercise done while lying on your back.

Upper/Middle Back
Best Machines: Seated cable row, lat pulldown
Pregnancy Benefit: As your breasts get bigger, your shoulders round forward. Strengthening the muscles between your shoulder blades helps counteract the slump.

Chest
Best Machine: Seated chest-press
Pregnancy Benefit: It's important to create muscle balance in your upper body by working your pecs.

Arms/Shoulders
Best Machines: Biceps and triceps
Pregnancy Benefit: Strong arms. Soon you'll be schlepping a baby, a diaper bag—and the groceries.

Lower body
Best Machines: Leg extension and seated leg-curl
Pregnancy Benefit: Your quadriceps and hamstrings bear the weight of your pregnancy as your belly grows.

Core
Best Exercise: Plank
Pregnancy Benefit: Keeping your abs strong will help prevent pregnancy-induced back pain.
How to: Lower onto all fours so your wrists are directly under your shoulders. Lift your knees off the floor (don't arch your back) so your body forms a straight line. Hold for 1 to 2 breaths, working up to 5 breaths.

Going With the Flow

The Day I found out that I was pregnant (4 days ago), I pulled the Wheel of Fortune as my card of the day. I suspect someone else might have pulled a different card on the day they found out, but the Wheel of Fortune was very apt in my case as I felt... well, lucky. My partner and I weren't trying for a baby but we both felt lucky and blessed as soon as we found out.

I'm 40 and it I know there are many women a lot younger than me who are trying to conceive... trying and failing. We like to think that we are in control of our lives but things like life and death are hugely out of our hands and serve as great reminders to stay in the moment and go with the flow. I open up to Life and accept this gift with open arms... just as I wish to open my arms to embrace Death when my time comes.

The relationship with the father-to-be is only a few months old. He is 42 and a first time father. We are still in the process of getting to know each other. The learning curve for this relationship is steep with a pregnancy so early on, but there is faith, trust and a willingness in both of us to dare to show vulnerability. This is very exciting to me, as it is my first relationship with a man who is not afraid of real intimacy. About bloody time, some might say... but men like my partner are few and far between. I guess that makes me twice lucky.

We are not engaged, not married and not making plans to marry... just going with the flow. I believe it would be wrong to get married for the sake of the baby. I feel so much stronger mentally than I did when I was younger and going through the pregnancies with the other three. I feel ready to let go of the need to control every aspect of my existence. Trusting is so much better. And I wonder what it will feel like giving birth with this sort of trust guiding my thoughts.