Flipping the Switch

Self-Dominion - Chaffinch - The Chariot

Last night, I had a terrifying dream. Someone had broken into my flat, stolen my computer and made a mess of my tarot collection. The man who had stolen some of my things and ruined my tarot cards came back for more shortly after I had made the terrible discovery, simply because I hadn't been quick enough to lock the door. He let me know that he could gain entry any time he wanted to and also that I would do as I was told.

After he left, I went back into my living room to clean up the mess. That is when I spotted a bird behind the curtain. A chaffinch was sitting there, patiently waiting for me to let it out of the window. I opened the window and it flew away. So comforted was I by the bird's presence that I forgot all about the horrible burglar and then I woke up.

Upon waking, I went to have a look in Swedish shaman Solöga's book about the meaning of the chaffinch (bofink in Swedish). It is about self-dominion, acting with authority and being your own master. All of this relates very much to the charioteer and the meaning of today's card, The Chariot, as well as to the struggles I'm currently experiencing with respect.

If I were to place The Chariot card along the shushumna (the energy channel along the spine), I would place it over the solar plexus chakra, the ego centre. This is where we learn self-respect and to act on that self-respect, which is what self-dominion is all about.

When Willow died, I stopped being responsible with the energy of my ego-centre. I didn't want to control that force any more... but I made the mistake of handing the reins to someone who wanted it even less... so when Willow's father left nothing but chaos remained. I wanted to die. It was like flipping a switch and I know now that the switch is located in my solar plexus chakra. I'm slowly gathering the energy back in, looking after myself and finding order in chaos.

When he left, he took not only his love away from me but the dream of a future together and trying for another baby, something we had already discussed. We had made plans about our future work life too. When he left, he literally took my whole future with him. All that remained was pain and emptiness. There was nothing left to do but grieve.

Was it wrong of me to want to hand the reins to someone else temporarily? No, it wasn't but it was a mistake to think that he would want to take them. In a relationship, you have to take turns under extreme circumstances... I was very weak after delivering Willow and losing lots of blood. I was rushed to theatre because of the blood loss but the blood was never replaced. I was expected to just carry on as normal.

I needed to feel looked after for just a while, like a child who has come down with a fever. But it never happened. There was no care, no nurturing other than what I was prepared to give to myself. At that point in time, that was just too tall an order. When I most needed someone to be there for me... that one time... there was noone, including myself.

So what is the moral of the story? Build your self-respect and strength (which brings us to tomorrow's card, Strength). Set healthy boundaries. Choose carefully who you place your trust in. Be patient, measured and move slowly in matters of the heart. Always have a plan B.

Choices

Non-love - The Lovers (art by Rene Magritte)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a 

I thought we would love each other forever because in every moment I was ready to forgive, surrender and start over. In every moment, I was prepared to communicate and I knew that I would always choose to find a way forward together with you because I loved you with all my heart... but it takes two.

When I begged you to meet up to talk a few weeks after we lost Willow, you refused. You said you couldn't and that your 'guardian angel' was telling you not to. What kind of guardian angel is that? What angel would stop healing and communication from happening?

You didn't want to see me again so you blamed something you don't even believe in. You blamed an angel.

Then you told me you were sure I'd be fine. That's when my heart broke that final time. That's when the blackness took over. That's when I knew I had lost you forever.

You left me to grieve on my own. You left so you could go and do your thing and forget all about me. You never loved me. Your love for me never existed because love does not make a man leave the mother of his dead baby when she most needs him, nor does it blame the angels for the choice. It was your choice.

The Emperor

The Emperor - Aries The Ram - Willow's Father

The Emperor card will always remind me of Willow's father. It is the Father archetype and also corresponds to his Aries sun sign. I am not going to pass judgment or write about him here. He is no longer part of my life but will always be apart of Willow's and vice versa. 

For myself, I am learning to own and integrate the positive Emperor qualities. We all have to find the balance between the Emperor and the Empress energies within ourselves.

18 days to go...

Being a Mother to an Angel

The Empress - Mothering an Angel

Today, I am thinking about my hopes and fears concerning motherhood... My strengths and weaknesses, blessings and shortcomings... I know I am not perfect but I know that my children know that they are loved and Willow, my angel baby, knows that too.

She didn't come to teach me any material lessons about motherhood - my other three children provide plenty of those. She came to show me the depths of a mother's heart and how motherly love transcends time and space completely.

The Tarot Empress (Venus) is my Soul Card. She is all about nature, nurturing, creativity, procreation, beauty, lust, fertility, love and giving birth. What would the Empress do if she lost one of her children? There would be tornados, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, forest fires, droughts, torrential rains, hail storms and earth quakes. She is Nature and loves her children ferociously, willingly sacrificing to protect her own. When the Empress is bereft, the World knows.

In the Mythic Tarot, the Empress archetype is symbolized by Demeter, the mother of Persephone. When Demeter lost her daughter to Hades she made the earth completely barren. It took a lot of negotiating by the gods to get her to bring life back to the planet.

My own mother left me when I was three years old. From then on, I was raised by an intelligent (bordering on genius) but mentally unstable and abusive father. I lived in fear of him for many years, with no one to turn to for protection. Therefore, my priority as a parent was always to make my children feel safe. It hurts that I wasn't able to protect Willow. I would have given anything to give her the breath of life and to rock her safely to sleep in my arms. Anything - and I mean that.

I am not meant to know why things happened the way they did. If they happened for a reason then I will make that reason love - anything else is completely unacceptable. You do not lay grief of this magnitude on a person to teach them 'a lesson.' 

In spite of coming from a dysfunctional background, I embrace life. This is my greatest strength, as expressed by the Empress archetype. Now I am learning to embrace life beyond the grave and I am richer for it. I will accept the pain for the simple reason that it adds depth to my love. I accept, embrace and move forward with love. I allow the barren earth to become verdant and bloom again... and next year there will be new fruit. Death is only the beginning....

A Dream from Willow

The High Priestess - An Angel Baby Dreamweaver

I started blogging daily again a couple of days ago, with 22 days to go until the due date. As some of you may know, I'm a tarotist and when I realised the synchronicity of the fact that there was a 22 day countdown where I had a chance to work my way through the loss of my baby Willow in awareness, I couldn't help but make the connection with the journey through the 22 Major Arcana cards of the Tarot.

In fact, this connection first became apparent to me when I wrote 'I am free' in the first post of the countdown a couple of days ago, since writing those words immediately connected me with The Fool (Uranus) archetype. Yesterday, with 21 days to go, I decided to work my way through the Magician (Mercury) space by telling my story. I cried my way through it and found it hugely therapeutic.

Today's post is dedicated to the High Priestess (Moon) energies. Last night, before falling asleep, I asked Willow for a dream. I didn't expect what came...

All night, I have been dreaming about being the single mother of a beautiful baby girl - the way I imagine Willow would have looked had she been born healthy. I was going through my day, working really hard to keep everyone happy but I had no one to turn to for support. There was no father in the picture and I woke up completely exhausted from having had to do it all myself.

Thank you, Willow! I woke up grateful that I don't have to struggle on my own. You showed me that the first dream I had during the pregnancy about your father was absolutely true. He would have found an excuse to get away from us even if you would have been born perfectly healthy. He was never prepared to do the hard work it takes to be a family man. I was spared heartache of a different kind and I know that you are well. I love you with all my heart, my beautiful angel!

Once upon a time...

The Magician - Telling My Story

...in the month of Libra, a woman who was not quite young, nor a first-time mother, learned that she had fallen pregnant. Even though it wasn't planned, she was the happiest woman on earth the day she learned she was pregnant because the child she carried was a love child. Such was the love this woman had for the father of her baby that she adored him completely and suffered deeply when they were separated.

They did not have much but they had each other and they vowed to inspire each other to succeed. He was an musician and she was a poet.. This child would have been born on a wave of poetry and music into humble material circumstances but utterly and completely loved.

He seemed happy at the thought of becoming a father but the woman had a dream about three weeks into the pregnancy. Her beloved had written in big letters on a brick wall that he was not ready to be a father - he had to go abroad. She told him about the dream the next morning. He said nothing and she did all she could to forget all about it.

The pregnancy progressed well and the morning sickness subsided. Plans were put in motion to welcome the baby to this planet. Practicalities were considered. Finances were juggled and there was talk of marriage. Together they found the perfect ring which she hoped he would get when he could afford it. Not that there was any rush... She had perfect faith in his love for her and envisioned herself growing old together with him. They didn't have much but they had a tender budding hope. It got to the time for the 12 week scan and both parents-to-be were starting to get excited.

Watching the monitor expectantly, the woman instantly saw that there was something wrong with the little life that grew inside her. There was a 'bubble' on the baby's neck and she knew from the depths of her that this little one would not make it. Yet she clung to hope and prayed for a miracle with all her being. They both did. They struggled to get through Christmas and New Year's together and ended up spending both in hospital on account of more tests and scans.

All they knew was that something was terribly wrong and waiting for the diagnosis was the most difficult thing they'd both had to endure. Tempers got frayed. Finances were strained. New lows were reached all around. Had life not been hard enough for both of them aldready? Yet the woman clung to the fact that they still had each other and believed with all her heart that if they could only talk about it all together, they would make it through this. Surely, communication was the key to healing?

The diagnosis was delivered over the phone one day when the woman was out shopping. She demanded to know the truth straight away even though the doctor advised her to go home and sit down. She told the doctor she wouldn't make it home unless she could find out the results. Unfortunately, it was the worst possible kind of news a mother-to-be can ever receive. She was told that her baby hade a serious genetic disorder which makes the fetus less than 'compatible with life.' Some of these little onese make it to live birth but most of those die within the first 24 hours. They are in agony from their first breath until their last.

At their next hospital visit, the fetal specialist told the couple all there is to know about "Edward's syndrome" and that they had the option to terminate. Even so, the woman couldn't make herself go through with killing this fragile life growing inside her so she started to pray. With all her might she prayed that choice be taken away from her. They went for the final scan and was told by the doctor that they had mercifully been spared having to make a decision - the baby's heart had stopped.

An evacuation was scheduled but the woman started bleeding the night before and was afraid of miscarrying at home. The couple drove to the hospital in a sombre mood that cold January night. All the while, the woman kept telling herself it would soon be over. She was bracing herself bravely for all kinds of pain and took comfort that her beloved was by her side - with him by her side she could face anything.

Early in the morning the next day, the woman gave birth to the angel baby, a beautiful little girl. The couple spent some time with her before the midwife carried the tiny baby away on a white lace cushion. There was to be no memorial service, no grave to visit... The goodbye was oh so very final. However, the woman was starting to get lightheaded from blood loss by now and was almost beyond caring. She could feel the life force slip out of her and she welcomed it. She wanted to go with her little angel.... but it wasn't meant to be.

The blood loss was spotted by the midwife and the woman was rushed to theatre. She started shaking violently in the pre-op area because even though she felt like she wanted to leave the planet and join her angel, she was afraid of not seeing her beloved again. She had much to live for and decided to pull through.

The surgery went well and when she came to she was happy to still be alive. She couldn't wait to see her beloved again. When they left the hospital, the staff were saying how they wished to see the couple back there same time next year but under happier circumstances. They left leaving holding hands and her final words to him before leaving the hospital were 'At least we have each other'....

Little did she know that he was not ready or willing to face the aftermath with her. Little did she know that their days were already counted and that she would be left on her own only days later. Little did she know how this double loss would nearly finish her off.

Now she knows her own strength and just how far her fighting spirit can carry her. Now she knows that the love she has for the baby gives her wings. Now she knows grieving, although slightly muted with time, never truly ends.

To never hold you

I'm angry tonight. I'm angry because I can't hold you. I'll never be able to hold you in my arms or smell the milky sweet scent of your head. I'm angry because I don't even have a grave to visit. The thought of never holding you is like the thought of everything that ever was turning to dust. It. Is. Not. Fair.

Yesterday, I watched a new mother show her newborn off to friends and family. She was passing that soft warm little body around... a bundle of joy that put a smile on everyone's face. She positively beamed with joy and pride. I watched for a while and noticed I was holding my breath... as if holding my breath would prevent my pain from spilling over.

I'm angry tonight. I'm so angry because my future was taken from me. The warmth of your love and the promise of a happily ever after... you took it all and ran. You speak as if we never were... as if our dead child never lived inside me for three months... Actually, you don't speak to me at all. It's easier to erase the past that way, isn't it?

They say I have to be strong and that I have so much to live for. That's what they say. I only believe them when I'm not angry and I'm angry oh so hot-poker-up-the-arse-of-god angry most minutes of most hours of the day that I sometimes feel I'll implode like some dying star. And. That. Would. Be. Grace.

Another dream about Willow

Shortly after I miscarried baby Willow at 14 weeks due to Edward's syndrome (Trisomy 18), the baby's father left. He is running from the pain of the loss, refusing to deal with it. This is what I wish I could share with him:

Do you ever dream about her? I had another dream about her last night. We couldn't find her... after looking frantically everywhere, we found her sleeping peacefully in our bed. I picked her up and held her close to my heart, weeping with relief. She woke up and ate hungrily from the first breast... I burped her and tried to feed her from the second breast but she soon fell asleep again in my arms.

It was a sweet and realisitic dream... well, apart from the bit about us misplacing the baby... but I suppose that is realistic too since you and I don't talk about her. She feels very close right now. I hope you can feel her this way too and that you are comforted by her presence.