Flipping the Switch

Self-Dominion - Chaffinch - The Chariot

Last night, I had a terrifying dream. Someone had broken into my flat, stolen my computer and made a mess of my tarot collection. The man who had stolen some of my things and ruined my tarot cards came back for more shortly after I had made the terrible discovery, simply because I hadn't been quick enough to lock the door. He let me know that he could gain entry any time he wanted to and also that I would do as I was told.

After he left, I went back into my living room to clean up the mess. That is when I spotted a bird behind the curtain. A chaffinch was sitting there, patiently waiting for me to let it out of the window. I opened the window and it flew away. So comforted was I by the bird's presence that I forgot all about the horrible burglar and then I woke up.

Upon waking, I went to have a look in Swedish shaman Solöga's book about the meaning of the chaffinch (bofink in Swedish). It is about self-dominion, acting with authority and being your own master. All of this relates very much to the charioteer and the meaning of today's card, The Chariot, as well as to the struggles I'm currently experiencing with respect.

If I were to place The Chariot card along the shushumna (the energy channel along the spine), I would place it over the solar plexus chakra, the ego centre. This is where we learn self-respect and to act on that self-respect, which is what self-dominion is all about.

When Willow died, I stopped being responsible with the energy of my ego-centre. I didn't want to control that force any more... but I made the mistake of handing the reins to someone who wanted it even less... so when Willow's father left nothing but chaos remained. I wanted to die. It was like flipping a switch and I know now that the switch is located in my solar plexus chakra. I'm slowly gathering the energy back in, looking after myself and finding order in chaos.

When he left, he took not only his love away from me but the dream of a future together and trying for another baby, something we had already discussed. We had made plans about our future work life too. When he left, he literally took my whole future with him. All that remained was pain and emptiness. There was nothing left to do but grieve.

Was it wrong of me to want to hand the reins to someone else temporarily? No, it wasn't but it was a mistake to think that he would want to take them. In a relationship, you have to take turns under extreme circumstances... I was very weak after delivering Willow and losing lots of blood. I was rushed to theatre because of the blood loss but the blood was never replaced. I was expected to just carry on as normal.

I needed to feel looked after for just a while, like a child who has come down with a fever. But it never happened. There was no care, no nurturing other than what I was prepared to give to myself. At that point in time, that was just too tall an order. When I most needed someone to be there for me... that one time... there was noone, including myself.

So what is the moral of the story? Build your self-respect and strength (which brings us to tomorrow's card, Strength). Set healthy boundaries. Choose carefully who you place your trust in. Be patient, measured and move slowly in matters of the heart. Always have a plan B.

Being a Mother to an Angel

The Empress - Mothering an Angel

Today, I am thinking about my hopes and fears concerning motherhood... My strengths and weaknesses, blessings and shortcomings... I know I am not perfect but I know that my children know that they are loved and Willow, my angel baby, knows that too.

She didn't come to teach me any material lessons about motherhood - my other three children provide plenty of those. She came to show me the depths of a mother's heart and how motherly love transcends time and space completely.

The Tarot Empress (Venus) is my Soul Card. She is all about nature, nurturing, creativity, procreation, beauty, lust, fertility, love and giving birth. What would the Empress do if she lost one of her children? There would be tornados, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, forest fires, droughts, torrential rains, hail storms and earth quakes. She is Nature and loves her children ferociously, willingly sacrificing to protect her own. When the Empress is bereft, the World knows.

In the Mythic Tarot, the Empress archetype is symbolized by Demeter, the mother of Persephone. When Demeter lost her daughter to Hades she made the earth completely barren. It took a lot of negotiating by the gods to get her to bring life back to the planet.

My own mother left me when I was three years old. From then on, I was raised by an intelligent (bordering on genius) but mentally unstable and abusive father. I lived in fear of him for many years, with no one to turn to for protection. Therefore, my priority as a parent was always to make my children feel safe. It hurts that I wasn't able to protect Willow. I would have given anything to give her the breath of life and to rock her safely to sleep in my arms. Anything - and I mean that.

I am not meant to know why things happened the way they did. If they happened for a reason then I will make that reason love - anything else is completely unacceptable. You do not lay grief of this magnitude on a person to teach them 'a lesson.' 

In spite of coming from a dysfunctional background, I embrace life. This is my greatest strength, as expressed by the Empress archetype. Now I am learning to embrace life beyond the grave and I am richer for it. I will accept the pain for the simple reason that it adds depth to my love. I accept, embrace and move forward with love. I allow the barren earth to become verdant and bloom again... and next year there will be new fruit. Death is only the beginning....

A Dream from Willow

The High Priestess - An Angel Baby Dreamweaver

I started blogging daily again a couple of days ago, with 22 days to go until the due date. As some of you may know, I'm a tarotist and when I realised the synchronicity of the fact that there was a 22 day countdown where I had a chance to work my way through the loss of my baby Willow in awareness, I couldn't help but make the connection with the journey through the 22 Major Arcana cards of the Tarot.

In fact, this connection first became apparent to me when I wrote 'I am free' in the first post of the countdown a couple of days ago, since writing those words immediately connected me with The Fool (Uranus) archetype. Yesterday, with 21 days to go, I decided to work my way through the Magician (Mercury) space by telling my story. I cried my way through it and found it hugely therapeutic.

Today's post is dedicated to the High Priestess (Moon) energies. Last night, before falling asleep, I asked Willow for a dream. I didn't expect what came...

All night, I have been dreaming about being the single mother of a beautiful baby girl - the way I imagine Willow would have looked had she been born healthy. I was going through my day, working really hard to keep everyone happy but I had no one to turn to for support. There was no father in the picture and I woke up completely exhausted from having had to do it all myself.

Thank you, Willow! I woke up grateful that I don't have to struggle on my own. You showed me that the first dream I had during the pregnancy about your father was absolutely true. He would have found an excuse to get away from us even if you would have been born perfectly healthy. He was never prepared to do the hard work it takes to be a family man. I was spared heartache of a different kind and I know that you are well. I love you with all my heart, my beautiful angel!

To never hold you

I'm angry tonight. I'm angry because I can't hold you. I'll never be able to hold you in my arms or smell the milky sweet scent of your head. I'm angry because I don't even have a grave to visit. The thought of never holding you is like the thought of everything that ever was turning to dust. It. Is. Not. Fair.

Yesterday, I watched a new mother show her newborn off to friends and family. She was passing that soft warm little body around... a bundle of joy that put a smile on everyone's face. She positively beamed with joy and pride. I watched for a while and noticed I was holding my breath... as if holding my breath would prevent my pain from spilling over.

I'm angry tonight. I'm so angry because my future was taken from me. The warmth of your love and the promise of a happily ever after... you took it all and ran. You speak as if we never were... as if our dead child never lived inside me for three months... Actually, you don't speak to me at all. It's easier to erase the past that way, isn't it?

They say I have to be strong and that I have so much to live for. That's what they say. I only believe them when I'm not angry and I'm angry oh so hot-poker-up-the-arse-of-god angry most minutes of most hours of the day that I sometimes feel I'll implode like some dying star. And. That. Would. Be. Grace.

Another dream about Willow

Shortly after I miscarried baby Willow at 14 weeks due to Edward's syndrome (Trisomy 18), the baby's father left. He is running from the pain of the loss, refusing to deal with it. This is what I wish I could share with him:

Do you ever dream about her? I had another dream about her last night. We couldn't find her... after looking frantically everywhere, we found her sleeping peacefully in our bed. I picked her up and held her close to my heart, weeping with relief. She woke up and ate hungrily from the first breast... I burped her and tried to feed her from the second breast but she soon fell asleep again in my arms.

It was a sweet and realisitic dream... well, apart from the bit about us misplacing the baby... but I suppose that is realistic too since you and I don't talk about her. She feels very close right now. I hope you can feel her this way too and that you are comforted by her presence.