Choices

Non-love - The Lovers (art by Rene Magritte)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a 

I thought we would love each other forever because in every moment I was ready to forgive, surrender and start over. In every moment, I was prepared to communicate and I knew that I would always choose to find a way forward together with you because I loved you with all my heart... but it takes two.

When I begged you to meet up to talk a few weeks after we lost Willow, you refused. You said you couldn't and that your 'guardian angel' was telling you not to. What kind of guardian angel is that? What angel would stop healing and communication from happening?

You didn't want to see me again so you blamed something you don't even believe in. You blamed an angel.

Then you told me you were sure I'd be fine. That's when my heart broke that final time. That's when the blackness took over. That's when I knew I had lost you forever.

You left me to grieve on my own. You left so you could go and do your thing and forget all about me. You never loved me. Your love for me never existed because love does not make a man leave the mother of his dead baby when she most needs him, nor does it blame the angels for the choice. It was your choice.

Not always what we want...

I hear people complaining about the unfairness of life and think to myself "Yeah, no kidding and who said it would be fair anyway?"... but deep down I know that although we don't always get what we want, we always get what we need. Fate doesn't grant us a happily ever after just because we were abused as children or abandoned by a partner... Life is, always has been and always will be what we make of it and the things that are out of our control and in the hands of fate aren't up for bargaining. The sooner we accept this, the greater our chance of peace and contentment.

Willow is gone but still with me in spirit and every blackbird I meet seems to stop, look me square in the eye and say 'My love abides'... Willow is not a little one in spirit. She's one of the great ancient ones who came to teach. She always knew she didn't come to breathe the air of this planet - her soul contract was of a different nature. Long before coming to earth, Willow's father, Willow and I met somewhere in the celestial realms to agree on the terms. Tough that we couldn't remember this when I first fell pregnant and was so full of hope... but then if I had, what would have happened to the lesson we were meant to learn?

If I have learned anything at all is that we always, without a doubt, get what we need. If I were to pause right now and pull two tarot cards - one for what I wanted and one for what I got (which is what I really needed), they would reflect this truth.

*shuffles and pulls two cards from the Pearls of Wisdom Tarot*

What I wanted: The Knight of Cups - True love and someone who would stand by me when my world fell apart. That's not how it happened at all. The one I loved with all my heart and thought I could depend on left me when I was at my weakest and most dependent on him. So... did I need him? Did I need the man who left me a week and a half after I miscarried and was back on the dating site where he and I first met two weeks after the death of our child?

What I needed: The Ace of Pentacles - A gift of something so much better than I could ever have imagined appeared... Or, as the companion book to the Pearls of Wisdom Tarot puts it, "New abundance. Invaluable opportunity presents itself. A melding of material and spiritual prosperity. Good fortune of all kinds awaits you. Gaia blesses you. The divine feminine notices you and smiles upon you."

And to think I wanted to end my life over someone who tossed me to one side like a piece of rubbish after the loss of our baby! To think that my life could actually have ended that way and that it so very nearly did... and I would have missed out on all of... this!

To never hold you

I'm angry tonight. I'm angry because I can't hold you. I'll never be able to hold you in my arms or smell the milky sweet scent of your head. I'm angry because I don't even have a grave to visit. The thought of never holding you is like the thought of everything that ever was turning to dust. It. Is. Not. Fair.

Yesterday, I watched a new mother show her newborn off to friends and family. She was passing that soft warm little body around... a bundle of joy that put a smile on everyone's face. She positively beamed with joy and pride. I watched for a while and noticed I was holding my breath... as if holding my breath would prevent my pain from spilling over.

I'm angry tonight. I'm so angry because my future was taken from me. The warmth of your love and the promise of a happily ever after... you took it all and ran. You speak as if we never were... as if our dead child never lived inside me for three months... Actually, you don't speak to me at all. It's easier to erase the past that way, isn't it?

They say I have to be strong and that I have so much to live for. That's what they say. I only believe them when I'm not angry and I'm angry oh so hot-poker-up-the-arse-of-god angry most minutes of most hours of the day that I sometimes feel I'll implode like some dying star. And. That. Would. Be. Grace.

Hormonally Yours

Poor bloke didn't know what he signed up for. Week 6 means that the hormonal seasaw is in full swing. A bitten off head, anyone? It's OK, I've got several and I can't eat much at the moment anyway - I feel too sick.

In case you didn't know it, you absolutely cannot win an argument with a pregnant woman. She is right. Get used to it.

I'm a touchy hormonal handful right now and I know it. You will learn to love it and if I'm not feeling supported you will know about it.