Edwards Syndrome - Trisomy 18

Doc phoned us today - a day early - with bad news. It's Trisomy 18, aka Edwards syndrome. My partner and I had already covered all eventualities and agreed that the only diagnosis that would lead to termination was this one. In a way it's kind of odd that we had already talked about this possibility since Edwards syndrome is quite rare - only 1 in 3000 conceptions and 1 in 6000 live births. 

I'm still in shock... A small voice is whispering 'What if they got it wrong?'... but then my intuition at the last scan was that the baby wasn't going to make it. The edema is covering the whole body. We're seeing the specialist again on Friday to discuss our options, but I've decided that the most merciful route is termination ASAP. That said... do I have it in me? I'm scared.

This is not a journey I ever expected to be on. How we take things for granted... Three healthy children, no miscarriages and you think you're immune to this stuff.  


It is a girl, by the way. I wanted to know. My dreams were right. Apparently girls have a slightly higher chance of making it to live birth, but even then most die within the first few days. Their short lives are sheer agony as pretty much nothing works the way it is supposed to. Forgive me, but I'm not prepared to allow that kind of suffering. Also, I feel that this baby wouldn't make it to live birth anyway since it already has hydrops fetalis.

CVS

Christmas Eve morning - driving up the A1 to the big hospital

Yesterday, on the morning of Christmas Eve, my partner and I set off for the big city hospital that our specialist had referred us to for the CVS. This is a biopsy of the placenta in order to determine if the fetus has any chromosonal abnormality.

The biopsy is done with an ultrasound scan and I was able to watch the procedure under local anasthetic. It wasn't painful. However seeing the worsened condition of Beanie and how the edema had spread througout its tiny little body brought me to tears.

I was able to hold it together thanks to the support of my partner, but his heart sank as well when he saw the scan images. The doctor paused mid scan to allow us to digest the information and allow for questions. My only question was if there was any hope at all. I had never read any accounts of the fetus surviving once the edema had spread like this, but she assured me that it was still possible.

For my own sanity, I decided to stop hoping then and there. I still love my little beanie, but the odds just aren't there. Hope is a luxury I can't afford in the case of the most likely outcome here.

Now we have to wait until Thursday next week for the preliminary results and then another week after that for the full test results. Around the time of getting the full test results we should be seeing the specialist at our local hospital again for another scan. I see it as going through the motions... detaching as much as I can.

The first scan at 12+1 showed a cystic hygroma of 6.7 mm. The next day, the hygroma had grown another mm and there was liquid around the abdomen. A week later (yesterday 13+1) the edema covered the whole body. I believe we're losing beanie in spite of so many people praying for us and sending beanie healing, and in spite of the glimmer of hope held out to us by the doctor who performed the CVS.

The staff at the big hospital were ever so nice. I found the whole experience rather comforting - especially compared to previous experiences where I've had to entrust my own health in the hands of health care professionals. These people genuinely care. Perhaps it goes with the territory. People who enter the field of fetal medicine probably have a genuine fascination with life and helping it blossom.

I also believe we'll be able to cope much better thanks to everyone's loving thoughts... but right now I'm in limbo. I've decided to like it here. It's grey and quiet.

Specialist's Opinion

Yesterday was my 12 week dating scan that my partner and I both had looked forward to so much, fully expecting everything to be alright and rejoicing so very much at the thought of seeing our Beanie for the first time. I blogged about the bad news we received in yesterday's post, and we've now been to the Friarage hospital in Northallerton to see the specialist we were so urgently referred to.

Last night, I managed to drift off peacefully with thougths of the lovely support, healing and prayers that are being sent up on behalf of Beanie, and I felt quite hopeful as we set off for the hospital this morning. I wanted to feel my grandmothers with me, so I wore a bracelet from them each for ancestral support. The antique silver bracelet is an heirloom from my maternal grandmother and the Sami leather and beadwork bracelet was made by my paternal grandmother.

The scan images were a lot clearer on the hospital monitor and we were able to get a clear view of our beautiful Beanie. Apart from the fluid, the fetus looks absolutely perfect, and the heart looks strong and healthy as far as the specialist doctor was able to tell.

Unfortunately, the nuchal swelling looked even worse today and measured well over 7 mm. There was also discernable swelling around Beanie's abdomen.

But all I saw was a beautiful, and healthy-looking baby... and I'm guessing that is why I pulled the Star card as my card of the day (a friend also pulled the Star for Beanie this morning). Even when the doctor told us that there is a 60% risk of chromosone damage with this type of cystic hygroma, and that even if it turns out to be chromosonally normal, chances are there is some other severe abnormality connected with the hygroma, I kept thinking Beanie is alright.

The next step on this journey is to have a Chorionic villus sampling (CVS), scheduled to take place on Christmas Eve. Normally, I would get the test results back in two days, but now I'm having to wait until the following Wednesday.

If the CVS comes back negative for chromosonal abnormality, we wait until the week 16 scan when the specialist will be able to check the fetus for other possible abnormalities that aren't covered by the CVS. By then we should know enough to make a decision whether to terminate or continue the pregnancy. I will trust my own inner guidance above that of the doctors when making the final decision though. In my experience, they are quite often wrong.

A big heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who are praying for us and sending healing to Beanie. Your loving support means more than you'll ever know!

When things go wrong...

Beanie 11 weeks + 6 days. Swelling at back of neck not visible in this shot.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. Not to Beanie. Not because it couldn't happen to me. I'm more a 'Why not me?' than a 'Why me?' person, but I had a dream last night about a beautiful baby girl who puckered up to kiss me... and so I completely trusted the 12 week scan to be perfectly fine and normal.

It wasn't. They found a swelling at the back of Beanie's neck and it is massive compared to the size of Beanie - 6.6 mm. I saw it plain as day and I knew straight away that something was wrong.

Also, it is not a good sign when the nurse won't take your money for the scan image.

I was sent to see a doctor straight away, and he managed to pull some strings for me and my partner to go see a specialist in Northallerton tomorrow.

They suspect Down's syndrome but I won't know anything until after all the tests are done.

I cried as soon as I saw 'the bubble' - ignorance is bliss sometimes. Even when the nurse told me that it can sometimes be normalised by itself, I knew it would take a miracle to shift a swelling that big. And so I'm hoping for a miracle. Miracles happen - I've seen them up close.

Many of my friends believe in miracles too and they are all praying for me and Beanie. In the meantime I shall try not to worry.

Beanie, I love you. You know that. No matter what happens.

Orgasmic Birth

When I started researching and discussing waterbirth with my friends, the topic of 'orgasmic birth' came up. There are a few videos about this kind of birthing experience on youtube. I chose to post one that allows embedding here on the blog. The woman in the video is quite graphic in her description so viewer discretion is advised.

The idea of making the birthing experience pleasurable is completely new to me. I was in pain to the point of feeling traumatised by each of my three labours/births. I'm trying to rewire the hardware in my brain to make it possible to experience pleasure when the contractions set in.

I would love to hear from you if you have experienced an orgasmic or sensual birth.

First Midwife's Appointment and A Talking Baby Girl

I've not been on here for a while. Feeling yuk is demotivating when it comes to any creative pursuits... My other blog is suffering too if that is any consolation.

I had my first midwife's appointment on Thursday. My partner came with me. The midwife seems nice and everything went well. I'm considered 'high risk' due to a couple of medical conditions but other than that everything is looking great and unless I weigh more than 90kg at the time of birth, I still qualify for a waterbirth.

Giving birth in water is something I have wanted to try since my first pregnancy but waterbirths were banned in Sweden many years ago. Luckily I'm in the UK now. Fingers crossed that the birthing pool is free on the day!

Apparently you are given three scans here in the UK. Wow. In Sweden we only get one. Week 17 - that's it. My first one will be week 12 so that's only a month away... Can't wait!

The due date I was given by the midwife is the 30 June 2011. I expect it might be adjusted by a day or two after the scan.

I was offered supplemental anti D shots due to being Rh neg but I think I'll manage without out. I had the shot after my youngest was born so I don't expect any complications.

My partner and I agreed on declining the Down's syndrome tests. I'm glad we share the same outlook.

Last night, I had a dream about a beautiful talking baby girl. She was only a few months old and we were going through the alphabet together. I wonder if this means we'll have a girl... possibly with Mercury in Gemini if she's going to speak that soon!

I also had a dream about collecting gemstones from a seashore. I found lapis lazuli and blue lace agate. I will be using those stones in this week's distant healing session, along with a lovely blue candle.

L'Odyssée de la Vie

I'm 7 weeks pregnant today and when I woke up this morning I found that a friend of mine had posted a version of L'Odyssée de la Vie to my inbox on FB (thank you, Moonseed!)... I managed to find the full length video on YouTube. Watching this brings me into a state of spiritual ecstasy. Enjoy!

Doh!

These are the seeds from my Ostara Apple Offering to the Goddess. I knew it was important for me to look at and document the seeds - I just didn't know WHY... there are three unsprouted seeds and one sprouted seed. I knew the sprouted seed had to do with new life... something new being born or created... I just never expected to fall pregnant this year! Also, look at how the seeds are grouped. The first two at the top are my first two children, born a year apart (1995,1996). The third is Miranda (born in 2002) and the fourth is 'beanie'... due on the 28th of June, 2011. WOW!!!!

Hormonally Yours

Poor bloke didn't know what he signed up for. Week 6 means that the hormonal seasaw is in full swing. A bitten off head, anyone? It's OK, I've got several and I can't eat much at the moment anyway - I feel too sick.

In case you didn't know it, you absolutely cannot win an argument with a pregnant woman. She is right. Get used to it.

I'm a touchy hormonal handful right now and I know it. You will learn to love it and if I'm not feeling supported you will know about it.

Morning Sickness Again

I thought I'd dodge that bullet good and proper like I did with the other three, but it seems that beanie comes with little waves of queasiness. It started a few days ago and I thought I might have to give up coffee as it seemed to push me over the edge. Don't get me wrong, I don't hurl. (Nothing except too much vodka ever had the power to make me throw up.) But I feel terribly fragile and lose my appetite.

It turns out that the antidote is not ginger tea, lemon essential oil or any of the other tried and tested methods for keeping morning sickness at bay - it's simply to keep on moving. If I'm physically active there is no queasiness. That's Mama Nature's way of making sure I'm strong and healthy methinks.

I love to move. I'm happy when I move. I'm blessed with a great gym and beautiful woodland walks. The only thing missing at the moment is a dance studio. If anyone has one to spare, please get in touch!

Thank Goddess!

Because my last pregnancy was nearly a decade ago, I find myself taking stock of how I'm different mentally and emotionally this time around. I can honestly say that I have the Goddess to thank for being much stronger today than I was 8-9 years ago. Connecting with Goddess energies and honouring the Goddess within has made a world of difference.

I was clinically depressed during most of my third pregnancy, and actually got better post partum. I hated being pregnant, I feared giving birth and I hated my body. Luckily, I was able to get help from a good councelor. I was made to see one when I begged for a cesarian. One of my biggest fears was that the midwife wasn't going to be there during the pushing stage. Swedish hospital had already begun to experience staffing problems when my first child was born, and by the time I found out I was pregnant with my third, I had already lived through the hell of going through the transition phase and the first couple of pushes on my own... having to desperately shout to get somebody's attention.

Ironically, I went through the very same scenario with my third as well - at least I was better prepared this time. I swore to myself like a seargeant would to a bunch of useless squaddies. Anger works better than fear. Yep, the third delivery was the best by far.

Physically, I'm different too this time around, of course. But not that much. I'm yearning to get back into belly dancing again, and I'd love to try dancing my way through the entire pregnancy as well as the early stages of labour. Dancing ties all the spaces together for me - it's a way of connecting the dots between the spiritual and the physical.

Only Women Allowed!

I've made my mind up. I don't want my partner in the delivery room with me. However, I would like a female birthing partner, a.k.a. a doula. Thinking back to my past three deliveries I realize full well that there is very little thought going on while giving birth. There is a lot of feeling though. My experience is that a male partner cannot enter that feeling space, whereas a woman who has given birth herself should hopefully be able to be right there with you...

He's fine with not being in the room with me while I give birth, thank Goddess. And yeah, we have a while to go yet and we might both change our minds, but this is how I feel about it now.

We have our first midwife's appointment booked in for the 11th of November which we will both be going to. This is the first time going through this process for me in the UK and his first time as a father-to-be, so we both need to clued get up.

The Veil

Is it possible to become even more sensitive? I'm a natural born empath but my sensitivity is now off the charts. Every little thing registers like a medium sized earth quake... Dreams linger like an extra layer of cloting during the day and the veil between worlds appears flimsy like broken cobweb.

It is clear from the Vortex Tarot reading I did for myself last night (Samhain/Halloween) that I could do with grounding my energy - The Ace of Swords was located in the Root Chakra, as if to say that I'm mentally cutting the chord that grounds me into Gaia. In the Circle of Life Tarot, the Ace of Swords depicts a pregnant woman with a beetle hovering in the air next to her. It's quite a surreal image but it really, really fits in the root chakra right now.

Yesterday, I was reminded of a couple of women who crossed the line while giving birth. If you are already sensitive, the pain of giving birth might be all it takes to push you over the line into a full blown psychosis... But what is a psychosis? In a less patriarchal society, experienced older women might step in if this occurs. They might look after the baby until the new mother has completed the journey and integrated the soul fragments that broke off due to the pain... They might even help her sing her soul back into the body.

Instead social services take the child off the mother and she is put in an institution where she is made to medicate against a condition that medical experts don't understand...

I sometimes feel like I missed a turn and ended up on the wrong planet...

Please check my website Well of Urd out to sign up for free distant healing or to order a tarot reading!

You're Trapped!

Even though I feel lucky and blessed... I wake up sometimes and think that 9 months from now, the baby will need me almost all of the time. I will go from having quite a lot of me-time to being the world to someone who depends on me for everything.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and I really want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I can't fool my brain into believing that the last couple of months aren't going to be uncomfortable. I remember all too well how difficult it was to sleep when the bump got bigger. I will it to be different this time. I will myself to be more patient and kinder to myself. I will myself to delegate more.

Deep breath.

Then I think about how quickly the first year passes... and before you know it they are out of nappies. And I remind myself that there is nothing to keep me from being creative once the baby is born. I can still write and be inventive.

It's going to be different this time... only I don't know how yet. Many unknowns for me to leave in the loving hands of the Goddess. I feel better already for having shared these thoughts. Hey, it's OK to be a bit freaked out about having your body hijacked!

My grandmothers feel close tonight - it's All Souls Night after all and I ask for their blessing on this new life. I think about generations of mothers and grandmothers with gratitude. May their wisdom not be lost. May we return to the ways of the Ancient One.

If I had only one wish tonight it would be for the insanity to stop... for patriarchy to die and for harmony to be restored.

Pregnancy Thoughts Week 5

I'm feeling hungry pretty much all the time. I don't remember this from my other three pregnancies but maybe it is more important to ensure that all nutrients are freely available to the fetus now that I'm over 40. I trust my body and eat anything beanie baby fancies. I also work out so I'm hoping not to turn into a total blimp. The gym has never felt this much fun before for some unknown reason...

When is too soon to start thinking of names? I can't help it. I'm already thinking of names. Initially, I wanted to go for something really 'out there' like Quasar for a boy or Nebula for a girl... but with more thought as well as input from friends and family I'm leaning towards slightly more traditional names.

Adam Quinnlan for a boy... maybe... And an 'N' name for a girl... maybe Nereida (thanks Catti) or Neytiri. My youngest daughter wants it to be Kathy if it's a girl. She's obsessed with Wuthering Heights. But like I said on a FB thread, nothing is settled until I have met and greeted the baby. My other three only have two names so in the name (no pun intended) of fairness we should give beanie two names as well.

I'm finding it difficult to focus and I'm finding that sometimes when I listen to long strings of information they get all jumbled up in my mind. I feel stupid, simply put. But it's all good. Having a sharp mind wouldn't do me any favours when the baby arrives. I might as well prepare for living in a milky fog while breastfeeding, which I intend to be doing for a minimum of six months.

To be perfectly honest, I quite enjoy slowing down... A slower mind makes everything slower. Patience seems easier to come by too. I'm not saying I don't get hormonal. Ask my partner. But I'm mostly a happy bunny. Oh, and please ignore any typos - I certainly intend to do so.

Tomorrow's Halloween. I'll be celebrating Samhain, the Pagan New Year. I plan on honouring the Crone Goddesses Hekate and Hel. Bright Samhain Blessings to all my Pagan friends and Happy Halloween to everyone else!

Strange dreams...

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, wondering why... and was instantly pulled back into the memory of my dream. I had been shown the state of our planet - how we are very quickly turning into a big tip... the oceans being filled with rubbish until no life can exist there. My baby is due in the month of Cancer... a Water Element child - a child of the great Oceans... I know this baby is choosing to incarnate to serve on the planet... but I still feel guilty for bringing another soul down to a planet that is being killed by ignorance and greed.

Gaia, save us from ourselves! Hekate Soteira, bless this Warrior Child with wisdom and strength! So mote it be. )O(

Morning Sickness and Sauerkraut Cravings...

I'm lucky. A lot of pregnant ladies and mothers out there will hate me when I say this: I have never suffered from morning sickness. This is my fourth pregnancy and I don't intend to start now. I did feel a wee bit yuck this morning but put it down to scoffing sweeties last night. No more sugary stuff! Well... maybe the odd bit of dark chocolate. I went and bought some ginger root to keep in the fridge just in case. Besides, it makes a lovely warming tea now that the days are getting darker and colder.

An odd craving developed today - sauerkraut. I had about half a jar with my dinner. It was extremely delicious. In fact, I'm salivating as I'm typing this. Might have to go back for more when I've finished blogging.

A friend of my mine thought she might be pregnant, so I dropped the spare pregnancy test I had left over after doing mine. It came out negative but she admitted that it might be too early to tell. Fingers crossed.

Honouring the Feminine

As a woman I have been programmed not to trust my body. Patriarchy tells us that we as women should be ashamed of our monthly cycle. We should be ashamed of the feminine scent - apparently it is better to smell like strawberries than a real woman. We should suppress our reproductive system by adding chemically produced hormones that cause long term damage to our bodies.

As for pregnancy, we are told not to reveal that we are pregnant until it can no longer be hidden (three months is the 'socially acceptable' time to wait). Why? So that we won't be talking about a possible miscarriage later on? And God forbid that we mention having had an abortion or reveal the deep grief that goes with losing a baby at or right after birth!

If we are made to feel ashamed of all these natural bodily functions and occurrences, we are stripped of our Goddess power. In order to create true equality, we need to begin by honouring our bodies. By casting off the masks of shame.

Once we own the strength that comes from naturally flowing with our cycles and the initiatory power that comes from giving birth as well as grieving lost babies and failed pregnancies, we awaken to the power of our inner Goddess. The feminine body is the ultimate expression of the Goddess on this planet. We would all do well to listen to its messages.

Hail the Great Goddess who expresses Herself in each and every one of us! Blessed be! )O(

Starting over again at the gym

My body was beginning to complain a few months before I found out that I was pregnant, and I had been thinking bout going back to the gym for a while when I signed up - the day before I found out! Having been physically active most of my life (ex dancer/dance teacher) and having stayed reasonably fit through walking, I decided to go ahead and start weight training again very carefully. My upper body needs strengthening if I want to avoid back aches from carrying the baby.

I felt absolutely wonderful after the first session!

Unfortunately, the gym instructor didn't know much about weight training during pregnancy (!) but I did some research online and found the following (http://www.fitpregnancy.com/yourpregnancy/labor_delivery/40723272.html?page=2:

The Right Weight Routine

Strength training is safe and one of the best ways to minimize aches and pains. Weight machines are ideal, especially for gym newbies, because they control your range of motion. "During pregnancy, your joints get looser, and it's easy to move outside of your normal range," says Jeffreys. However, if you're accustomed to doing free-weight exercises, you can continue.

Steer clear of any machine with a pad that presses against your belly, such as the seated row machine or abdominal machines. In addition, forgo any overhead lift, since this kind of motion can increase the curve in your lower spine (aka hyperlordosis).

The strength routine below targets the muscles that are key to reducing discomfort during pregnancy. Do 1 or 2 sets of 8 to 12 reps for each except the Plank. Choose a weight that allows you to perform the repetitions properly and comfortably. And after the first trimester, avoid any exercise done while lying on your back.

Upper/Middle Back
Best Machines: Seated cable row, lat pulldown
Pregnancy Benefit: As your breasts get bigger, your shoulders round forward. Strengthening the muscles between your shoulder blades helps counteract the slump.

Chest
Best Machine: Seated chest-press
Pregnancy Benefit: It's important to create muscle balance in your upper body by working your pecs.

Arms/Shoulders
Best Machines: Biceps and triceps
Pregnancy Benefit: Strong arms. Soon you'll be schlepping a baby, a diaper bag—and the groceries.

Lower body
Best Machines: Leg extension and seated leg-curl
Pregnancy Benefit: Your quadriceps and hamstrings bear the weight of your pregnancy as your belly grows.

Core
Best Exercise: Plank
Pregnancy Benefit: Keeping your abs strong will help prevent pregnancy-induced back pain.
How to: Lower onto all fours so your wrists are directly under your shoulders. Lift your knees off the floor (don't arch your back) so your body forms a straight line. Hold for 1 to 2 breaths, working up to 5 breaths.

Going With the Flow

The Day I found out that I was pregnant (4 days ago), I pulled the Wheel of Fortune as my card of the day. I suspect someone else might have pulled a different card on the day they found out, but the Wheel of Fortune was very apt in my case as I felt... well, lucky. My partner and I weren't trying for a baby but we both felt lucky and blessed as soon as we found out.

I'm 40 and it I know there are many women a lot younger than me who are trying to conceive... trying and failing. We like to think that we are in control of our lives but things like life and death are hugely out of our hands and serve as great reminders to stay in the moment and go with the flow. I open up to Life and accept this gift with open arms... just as I wish to open my arms to embrace Death when my time comes.

The relationship with the father-to-be is only a few months old. He is 42 and a first time father. We are still in the process of getting to know each other. The learning curve for this relationship is steep with a pregnancy so early on, but there is faith, trust and a willingness in both of us to dare to show vulnerability. This is very exciting to me, as it is my first relationship with a man who is not afraid of real intimacy. About bloody time, some might say... but men like my partner are few and far between. I guess that makes me twice lucky.

We are not engaged, not married and not making plans to marry... just going with the flow. I believe it would be wrong to get married for the sake of the baby. I feel so much stronger mentally than I did when I was younger and going through the pregnancies with the other three. I feel ready to let go of the need to control every aspect of my existence. Trusting is so much better. And I wonder what it will feel like giving birth with this sort of trust guiding my thoughts.

Pregnancy Thoughts - Week 4 (day 3 of knowing I'm pregnant)

So many different thoughts are going through my head at this stage.... A crazy jumble of emotions and taking in everyone's reactions. I wish everyone could be happy about this new life coming into our lives, but it's realistic to expect worries and concerns from older siblings who fear they might be pushed to one side.

A mother's love for her children is like the flame of a candle. You can light many candles off the one original flame without diminishing it and each new flame will burn as brightly as the first. Trying to make the children understand this is a different matter, and we all have to deal with the reality of having to give a lot of time and care to the newborn child. But I'm not worried. Deep down, I know that the joy this new life brings will benefit everyone.

Most of all, I just feel blessed... almost to the point of feeling blissed out, and too excited to sleep. I will not let anybody steal my joy.

I'm going to take good care of my body. I only remembered last night that I need to start taking folic acid. I'm already taking a multivitamin that contains folic acid but I should double the intake during the first three months.

Also, the day before I found out that I was pregnant, I signed up for the gym. My induction is on Monday. I will need to learn to be gentle with my body - a lesson long overdue. Thank you 'bean' for all that you are teaching me already.

My heart is full... overflowing... and I wonder... Can you feel the love?

Choosing Joy

"King of Cups - A devoted husband and father. A man fiercely protective of his loved ones. A successful and mature man employed in the creative arts. A new connection is possible. A man capable of giving and receiving love freely without the reservations of youth. Love lessons have been learned."

This was my card of the day on the Tarot on Facebook application. It describes the father of my unborn child. It also describes where I am at on my own journey - finally free, finally capable of choosing joy...

This is the second day of knowing that I am pregnant, and I woke up early even though I finally had a chance to lie in. So many thoughts were going through my head. I caught myself worrying about things that I could do nothing about and made a conscious effort of letting go of worry. I choose joy. On this particular journey, I choose nothing but joy.

I so wish I had known what I know now when I was expecting my other three children. But I can't beat myself up for being the way I was - that is not going to help anyone. I did my best knowing what I knew then.

My prayer this morning is that the joy that this new child brings in will benefit all of my children.

I'm pregnant!

After realising that I was 2-3 days late, and knowing full well that I'm never late unless I'm pregnant, I went and bought a pregnancy test kit. The disbelief lingers. It wasn't planned... but then I never really did plan any of my other three pregnancies (and secretly wonder how it is possible to plan one). Please understand that not planned never equals 'not wanted' in my book. I told the Goddess a while back to only allow for a fourth pregnancy if and when the time was right. There is a soul on the other side of the veil that has chosen me and my partner... and I feel so graced.

It's now about 7.50 PM, and I have known about the pregnancy since about 1.30 PM. I'm sat here typing to allow it all to sink in. I'm typing so that I can give thanks properly for the grace of going through the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth one last time (or so it feels). I'm typing to be in the present moment with the immense joy that I feel when I allow for it.

It's difficult to know who to tell at this stage. Part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops, and another part of me wants to make sure that everything will be alright first - as if there is something I could do or as if more time would somehow make it alright... I'm going to make an executive decision and decide that it is alright to go with the flow on that... My intuition will guide me about who will be positive about it. The last thing I want or need right now is other peoples' negativity. I can feel a cull coming on.

I have told my sister already. I wanted her to be the first to know besides my partner since she psychically predicted this pregnancy the other week. Needless to say, she wasn't surprised :)

Some of them might think that I'm too old for another child, but not many eyebrows are raised over pregnancy at 40 these days. Personally, I'm not worried about statistics. I'm grateful for being more experienced and a lot less anxious these days. I know I can do this...

I chose to illustrate today's post with the Empress card - my Soul Card. I'm a tarot reader and healer, so you can expect a spiritual twist to the posts over the next 9 or so months.