You're Trapped!

Even though I feel lucky and blessed... I wake up sometimes and think that 9 months from now, the baby will need me almost all of the time. I will go from having quite a lot of me-time to being the world to someone who depends on me for everything.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and I really want to enjoy this pregnancy, but I can't fool my brain into believing that the last couple of months aren't going to be uncomfortable. I remember all too well how difficult it was to sleep when the bump got bigger. I will it to be different this time. I will myself to be more patient and kinder to myself. I will myself to delegate more.

Deep breath.

Then I think about how quickly the first year passes... and before you know it they are out of nappies. And I remind myself that there is nothing to keep me from being creative once the baby is born. I can still write and be inventive.

It's going to be different this time... only I don't know how yet. Many unknowns for me to leave in the loving hands of the Goddess. I feel better already for having shared these thoughts. Hey, it's OK to be a bit freaked out about having your body hijacked!

My grandmothers feel close tonight - it's All Souls Night after all and I ask for their blessing on this new life. I think about generations of mothers and grandmothers with gratitude. May their wisdom not be lost. May we return to the ways of the Ancient One.

If I had only one wish tonight it would be for the insanity to stop... for patriarchy to die and for harmony to be restored.

Pregnancy Thoughts Week 5

I'm feeling hungry pretty much all the time. I don't remember this from my other three pregnancies but maybe it is more important to ensure that all nutrients are freely available to the fetus now that I'm over 40. I trust my body and eat anything beanie baby fancies. I also work out so I'm hoping not to turn into a total blimp. The gym has never felt this much fun before for some unknown reason...

When is too soon to start thinking of names? I can't help it. I'm already thinking of names. Initially, I wanted to go for something really 'out there' like Quasar for a boy or Nebula for a girl... but with more thought as well as input from friends and family I'm leaning towards slightly more traditional names.

Adam Quinnlan for a boy... maybe... And an 'N' name for a girl... maybe Nereida (thanks Catti) or Neytiri. My youngest daughter wants it to be Kathy if it's a girl. She's obsessed with Wuthering Heights. But like I said on a FB thread, nothing is settled until I have met and greeted the baby. My other three only have two names so in the name (no pun intended) of fairness we should give beanie two names as well.

I'm finding it difficult to focus and I'm finding that sometimes when I listen to long strings of information they get all jumbled up in my mind. I feel stupid, simply put. But it's all good. Having a sharp mind wouldn't do me any favours when the baby arrives. I might as well prepare for living in a milky fog while breastfeeding, which I intend to be doing for a minimum of six months.

To be perfectly honest, I quite enjoy slowing down... A slower mind makes everything slower. Patience seems easier to come by too. I'm not saying I don't get hormonal. Ask my partner. But I'm mostly a happy bunny. Oh, and please ignore any typos - I certainly intend to do so.

Tomorrow's Halloween. I'll be celebrating Samhain, the Pagan New Year. I plan on honouring the Crone Goddesses Hekate and Hel. Bright Samhain Blessings to all my Pagan friends and Happy Halloween to everyone else!

Strange dreams...

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, wondering why... and was instantly pulled back into the memory of my dream. I had been shown the state of our planet - how we are very quickly turning into a big tip... the oceans being filled with rubbish until no life can exist there. My baby is due in the month of Cancer... a Water Element child - a child of the great Oceans... I know this baby is choosing to incarnate to serve on the planet... but I still feel guilty for bringing another soul down to a planet that is being killed by ignorance and greed.

Gaia, save us from ourselves! Hekate Soteira, bless this Warrior Child with wisdom and strength! So mote it be. )O(

Morning Sickness and Sauerkraut Cravings...

I'm lucky. A lot of pregnant ladies and mothers out there will hate me when I say this: I have never suffered from morning sickness. This is my fourth pregnancy and I don't intend to start now. I did feel a wee bit yuck this morning but put it down to scoffing sweeties last night. No more sugary stuff! Well... maybe the odd bit of dark chocolate. I went and bought some ginger root to keep in the fridge just in case. Besides, it makes a lovely warming tea now that the days are getting darker and colder.

An odd craving developed today - sauerkraut. I had about half a jar with my dinner. It was extremely delicious. In fact, I'm salivating as I'm typing this. Might have to go back for more when I've finished blogging.

A friend of my mine thought she might be pregnant, so I dropped the spare pregnancy test I had left over after doing mine. It came out negative but she admitted that it might be too early to tell. Fingers crossed.

Honouring the Feminine

As a woman I have been programmed not to trust my body. Patriarchy tells us that we as women should be ashamed of our monthly cycle. We should be ashamed of the feminine scent - apparently it is better to smell like strawberries than a real woman. We should suppress our reproductive system by adding chemically produced hormones that cause long term damage to our bodies.

As for pregnancy, we are told not to reveal that we are pregnant until it can no longer be hidden (three months is the 'socially acceptable' time to wait). Why? So that we won't be talking about a possible miscarriage later on? And God forbid that we mention having had an abortion or reveal the deep grief that goes with losing a baby at or right after birth!

If we are made to feel ashamed of all these natural bodily functions and occurrences, we are stripped of our Goddess power. In order to create true equality, we need to begin by honouring our bodies. By casting off the masks of shame.

Once we own the strength that comes from naturally flowing with our cycles and the initiatory power that comes from giving birth as well as grieving lost babies and failed pregnancies, we awaken to the power of our inner Goddess. The feminine body is the ultimate expression of the Goddess on this planet. We would all do well to listen to its messages.

Hail the Great Goddess who expresses Herself in each and every one of us! Blessed be! )O(

Starting over again at the gym

My body was beginning to complain a few months before I found out that I was pregnant, and I had been thinking bout going back to the gym for a while when I signed up - the day before I found out! Having been physically active most of my life (ex dancer/dance teacher) and having stayed reasonably fit through walking, I decided to go ahead and start weight training again very carefully. My upper body needs strengthening if I want to avoid back aches from carrying the baby.

I felt absolutely wonderful after the first session!

Unfortunately, the gym instructor didn't know much about weight training during pregnancy (!) but I did some research online and found the following (http://www.fitpregnancy.com/yourpregnancy/labor_delivery/40723272.html?page=2:

The Right Weight Routine

Strength training is safe and one of the best ways to minimize aches and pains. Weight machines are ideal, especially for gym newbies, because they control your range of motion. "During pregnancy, your joints get looser, and it's easy to move outside of your normal range," says Jeffreys. However, if you're accustomed to doing free-weight exercises, you can continue.

Steer clear of any machine with a pad that presses against your belly, such as the seated row machine or abdominal machines. In addition, forgo any overhead lift, since this kind of motion can increase the curve in your lower spine (aka hyperlordosis).

The strength routine below targets the muscles that are key to reducing discomfort during pregnancy. Do 1 or 2 sets of 8 to 12 reps for each except the Plank. Choose a weight that allows you to perform the repetitions properly and comfortably. And after the first trimester, avoid any exercise done while lying on your back.

Upper/Middle Back
Best Machines: Seated cable row, lat pulldown
Pregnancy Benefit: As your breasts get bigger, your shoulders round forward. Strengthening the muscles between your shoulder blades helps counteract the slump.

Chest
Best Machine: Seated chest-press
Pregnancy Benefit: It's important to create muscle balance in your upper body by working your pecs.

Arms/Shoulders
Best Machines: Biceps and triceps
Pregnancy Benefit: Strong arms. Soon you'll be schlepping a baby, a diaper bag—and the groceries.

Lower body
Best Machines: Leg extension and seated leg-curl
Pregnancy Benefit: Your quadriceps and hamstrings bear the weight of your pregnancy as your belly grows.

Core
Best Exercise: Plank
Pregnancy Benefit: Keeping your abs strong will help prevent pregnancy-induced back pain.
How to: Lower onto all fours so your wrists are directly under your shoulders. Lift your knees off the floor (don't arch your back) so your body forms a straight line. Hold for 1 to 2 breaths, working up to 5 breaths.

Going With the Flow

The Day I found out that I was pregnant (4 days ago), I pulled the Wheel of Fortune as my card of the day. I suspect someone else might have pulled a different card on the day they found out, but the Wheel of Fortune was very apt in my case as I felt... well, lucky. My partner and I weren't trying for a baby but we both felt lucky and blessed as soon as we found out.

I'm 40 and it I know there are many women a lot younger than me who are trying to conceive... trying and failing. We like to think that we are in control of our lives but things like life and death are hugely out of our hands and serve as great reminders to stay in the moment and go with the flow. I open up to Life and accept this gift with open arms... just as I wish to open my arms to embrace Death when my time comes.

The relationship with the father-to-be is only a few months old. He is 42 and a first time father. We are still in the process of getting to know each other. The learning curve for this relationship is steep with a pregnancy so early on, but there is faith, trust and a willingness in both of us to dare to show vulnerability. This is very exciting to me, as it is my first relationship with a man who is not afraid of real intimacy. About bloody time, some might say... but men like my partner are few and far between. I guess that makes me twice lucky.

We are not engaged, not married and not making plans to marry... just going with the flow. I believe it would be wrong to get married for the sake of the baby. I feel so much stronger mentally than I did when I was younger and going through the pregnancies with the other three. I feel ready to let go of the need to control every aspect of my existence. Trusting is so much better. And I wonder what it will feel like giving birth with this sort of trust guiding my thoughts.

Pregnancy Thoughts - Week 4 (day 3 of knowing I'm pregnant)

So many different thoughts are going through my head at this stage.... A crazy jumble of emotions and taking in everyone's reactions. I wish everyone could be happy about this new life coming into our lives, but it's realistic to expect worries and concerns from older siblings who fear they might be pushed to one side.

A mother's love for her children is like the flame of a candle. You can light many candles off the one original flame without diminishing it and each new flame will burn as brightly as the first. Trying to make the children understand this is a different matter, and we all have to deal with the reality of having to give a lot of time and care to the newborn child. But I'm not worried. Deep down, I know that the joy this new life brings will benefit everyone.

Most of all, I just feel blessed... almost to the point of feeling blissed out, and too excited to sleep. I will not let anybody steal my joy.

I'm going to take good care of my body. I only remembered last night that I need to start taking folic acid. I'm already taking a multivitamin that contains folic acid but I should double the intake during the first three months.

Also, the day before I found out that I was pregnant, I signed up for the gym. My induction is on Monday. I will need to learn to be gentle with my body - a lesson long overdue. Thank you 'bean' for all that you are teaching me already.

My heart is full... overflowing... and I wonder... Can you feel the love?

Choosing Joy

"King of Cups - A devoted husband and father. A man fiercely protective of his loved ones. A successful and mature man employed in the creative arts. A new connection is possible. A man capable of giving and receiving love freely without the reservations of youth. Love lessons have been learned."

This was my card of the day on the Tarot on Facebook application. It describes the father of my unborn child. It also describes where I am at on my own journey - finally free, finally capable of choosing joy...

This is the second day of knowing that I am pregnant, and I woke up early even though I finally had a chance to lie in. So many thoughts were going through my head. I caught myself worrying about things that I could do nothing about and made a conscious effort of letting go of worry. I choose joy. On this particular journey, I choose nothing but joy.

I so wish I had known what I know now when I was expecting my other three children. But I can't beat myself up for being the way I was - that is not going to help anyone. I did my best knowing what I knew then.

My prayer this morning is that the joy that this new child brings in will benefit all of my children.

I'm pregnant!

After realising that I was 2-3 days late, and knowing full well that I'm never late unless I'm pregnant, I went and bought a pregnancy test kit. The disbelief lingers. It wasn't planned... but then I never really did plan any of my other three pregnancies (and secretly wonder how it is possible to plan one). Please understand that not planned never equals 'not wanted' in my book. I told the Goddess a while back to only allow for a fourth pregnancy if and when the time was right. There is a soul on the other side of the veil that has chosen me and my partner... and I feel so graced.

It's now about 7.50 PM, and I have known about the pregnancy since about 1.30 PM. I'm sat here typing to allow it all to sink in. I'm typing so that I can give thanks properly for the grace of going through the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth one last time (or so it feels). I'm typing to be in the present moment with the immense joy that I feel when I allow for it.

It's difficult to know who to tell at this stage. Part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops, and another part of me wants to make sure that everything will be alright first - as if there is something I could do or as if more time would somehow make it alright... I'm going to make an executive decision and decide that it is alright to go with the flow on that... My intuition will guide me about who will be positive about it. The last thing I want or need right now is other peoples' negativity. I can feel a cull coming on.

I have told my sister already. I wanted her to be the first to know besides my partner since she psychically predicted this pregnancy the other week. Needless to say, she wasn't surprised :)

Some of them might think that I'm too old for another child, but not many eyebrows are raised over pregnancy at 40 these days. Personally, I'm not worried about statistics. I'm grateful for being more experienced and a lot less anxious these days. I know I can do this...

I chose to illustrate today's post with the Empress card - my Soul Card. I'm a tarot reader and healer, so you can expect a spiritual twist to the posts over the next 9 or so months.