CVS

Christmas Eve morning - driving up the A1 to the big hospital

Yesterday, on the morning of Christmas Eve, my partner and I set off for the big city hospital that our specialist had referred us to for the CVS. This is a biopsy of the placenta in order to determine if the fetus has any chromosonal abnormality.

The biopsy is done with an ultrasound scan and I was able to watch the procedure under local anasthetic. It wasn't painful. However seeing the worsened condition of Beanie and how the edema had spread througout its tiny little body brought me to tears.

I was able to hold it together thanks to the support of my partner, but his heart sank as well when he saw the scan images. The doctor paused mid scan to allow us to digest the information and allow for questions. My only question was if there was any hope at all. I had never read any accounts of the fetus surviving once the edema had spread like this, but she assured me that it was still possible.

For my own sanity, I decided to stop hoping then and there. I still love my little beanie, but the odds just aren't there. Hope is a luxury I can't afford in the case of the most likely outcome here.

Now we have to wait until Thursday next week for the preliminary results and then another week after that for the full test results. Around the time of getting the full test results we should be seeing the specialist at our local hospital again for another scan. I see it as going through the motions... detaching as much as I can.

The first scan at 12+1 showed a cystic hygroma of 6.7 mm. The next day, the hygroma had grown another mm and there was liquid around the abdomen. A week later (yesterday 13+1) the edema covered the whole body. I believe we're losing beanie in spite of so many people praying for us and sending beanie healing, and in spite of the glimmer of hope held out to us by the doctor who performed the CVS.

The staff at the big hospital were ever so nice. I found the whole experience rather comforting - especially compared to previous experiences where I've had to entrust my own health in the hands of health care professionals. These people genuinely care. Perhaps it goes with the territory. People who enter the field of fetal medicine probably have a genuine fascination with life and helping it blossom.

I also believe we'll be able to cope much better thanks to everyone's loving thoughts... but right now I'm in limbo. I've decided to like it here. It's grey and quiet.