Choices

Non-love - The Lovers (art by Rene Magritte)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a 

I thought we would love each other forever because in every moment I was ready to forgive, surrender and start over. In every moment, I was prepared to communicate and I knew that I would always choose to find a way forward together with you because I loved you with all my heart... but it takes two.

When I begged you to meet up to talk a few weeks after we lost Willow, you refused. You said you couldn't and that your 'guardian angel' was telling you not to. What kind of guardian angel is that? What angel would stop healing and communication from happening?

You didn't want to see me again so you blamed something you don't even believe in. You blamed an angel.

Then you told me you were sure I'd be fine. That's when my heart broke that final time. That's when the blackness took over. That's when I knew I had lost you forever.

You left me to grieve on my own. You left so you could go and do your thing and forget all about me. You never loved me. Your love for me never existed because love does not make a man leave the mother of his dead baby when she most needs him, nor does it blame the angels for the choice. It was your choice.

Due Date Approaching

22 Days to Go - 22 Archetypes to Help me Heal

The 30th of June or thereabouts is when Willow was supposed to have been born. I'm getting dangerously close to her due date now and am dreading it a bit.... Little, seemingly insignificant things can still trigger waterfalls of tears... Like the other day when I spent a lovely day out in York... until I went to the toilet in a little cafe where they had created a pretty rose-themed nappy changing area. Somehow seeing the matching roses on the wallpaper and changing mat made me lose my marbles. I suppose it will always be like this... A loss is a loss until we are reunited on the other side.

On the due date, I will plant a weeping willow to commemorate my angel baby. There was a time when I thought I wanted to do that with Willow's father but that will not be possible, nor is it any longer desirable. He is too busy caring about nobody but himself, which is the reason he left in the first place, so it is for the best that I never see him again. Grieving is hard enough without having to be made to feel like you are shit under someone's shoe - especially when you've done nothing to deserve it but lovingly carried that person's baby under your heart for three months.

I am more than a survivor. I am free. I have found happiness in my life again and I look to the future with hope and excitement... I know I might wobble on the 30th but I know that my beautiful Willow will be with me beyond that date and forever. Her love is real and so is the love of the one I am with now.

In the next 21 Days I will be 'The Fool,' journeying through the Major Arcana for healing and closure. 

Pregnancy Thoughts - Week 4 (day 3 of knowing I'm pregnant)

So many different thoughts are going through my head at this stage.... A crazy jumble of emotions and taking in everyone's reactions. I wish everyone could be happy about this new life coming into our lives, but it's realistic to expect worries and concerns from older siblings who fear they might be pushed to one side.

A mother's love for her children is like the flame of a candle. You can light many candles off the one original flame without diminishing it and each new flame will burn as brightly as the first. Trying to make the children understand this is a different matter, and we all have to deal with the reality of having to give a lot of time and care to the newborn child. But I'm not worried. Deep down, I know that the joy this new life brings will benefit everyone.

Most of all, I just feel blessed... almost to the point of feeling blissed out, and too excited to sleep. I will not let anybody steal my joy.

I'm going to take good care of my body. I only remembered last night that I need to start taking folic acid. I'm already taking a multivitamin that contains folic acid but I should double the intake during the first three months.

Also, the day before I found out that I was pregnant, I signed up for the gym. My induction is on Monday. I will need to learn to be gentle with my body - a lesson long overdue. Thank you 'bean' for all that you are teaching me already.

My heart is full... overflowing... and I wonder... Can you feel the love?