CVS

Christmas Eve morning - driving up the A1 to the big hospital

Yesterday, on the morning of Christmas Eve, my partner and I set off for the big city hospital that our specialist had referred us to for the CVS. This is a biopsy of the placenta in order to determine if the fetus has any chromosonal abnormality.

The biopsy is done with an ultrasound scan and I was able to watch the procedure under local anasthetic. It wasn't painful. However seeing the worsened condition of Beanie and how the edema had spread througout its tiny little body brought me to tears.

I was able to hold it together thanks to the support of my partner, but his heart sank as well when he saw the scan images. The doctor paused mid scan to allow us to digest the information and allow for questions. My only question was if there was any hope at all. I had never read any accounts of the fetus surviving once the edema had spread like this, but she assured me that it was still possible.

For my own sanity, I decided to stop hoping then and there. I still love my little beanie, but the odds just aren't there. Hope is a luxury I can't afford in the case of the most likely outcome here.

Now we have to wait until Thursday next week for the preliminary results and then another week after that for the full test results. Around the time of getting the full test results we should be seeing the specialist at our local hospital again for another scan. I see it as going through the motions... detaching as much as I can.

The first scan at 12+1 showed a cystic hygroma of 6.7 mm. The next day, the hygroma had grown another mm and there was liquid around the abdomen. A week later (yesterday 13+1) the edema covered the whole body. I believe we're losing beanie in spite of so many people praying for us and sending beanie healing, and in spite of the glimmer of hope held out to us by the doctor who performed the CVS.

The staff at the big hospital were ever so nice. I found the whole experience rather comforting - especially compared to previous experiences where I've had to entrust my own health in the hands of health care professionals. These people genuinely care. Perhaps it goes with the territory. People who enter the field of fetal medicine probably have a genuine fascination with life and helping it blossom.

I also believe we'll be able to cope much better thanks to everyone's loving thoughts... but right now I'm in limbo. I've decided to like it here. It's grey and quiet.

Specialist's Opinion

Yesterday was my 12 week dating scan that my partner and I both had looked forward to so much, fully expecting everything to be alright and rejoicing so very much at the thought of seeing our Beanie for the first time. I blogged about the bad news we received in yesterday's post, and we've now been to the Friarage hospital in Northallerton to see the specialist we were so urgently referred to.

Last night, I managed to drift off peacefully with thougths of the lovely support, healing and prayers that are being sent up on behalf of Beanie, and I felt quite hopeful as we set off for the hospital this morning. I wanted to feel my grandmothers with me, so I wore a bracelet from them each for ancestral support. The antique silver bracelet is an heirloom from my maternal grandmother and the Sami leather and beadwork bracelet was made by my paternal grandmother.

The scan images were a lot clearer on the hospital monitor and we were able to get a clear view of our beautiful Beanie. Apart from the fluid, the fetus looks absolutely perfect, and the heart looks strong and healthy as far as the specialist doctor was able to tell.

Unfortunately, the nuchal swelling looked even worse today and measured well over 7 mm. There was also discernable swelling around Beanie's abdomen.

But all I saw was a beautiful, and healthy-looking baby... and I'm guessing that is why I pulled the Star card as my card of the day (a friend also pulled the Star for Beanie this morning). Even when the doctor told us that there is a 60% risk of chromosone damage with this type of cystic hygroma, and that even if it turns out to be chromosonally normal, chances are there is some other severe abnormality connected with the hygroma, I kept thinking Beanie is alright.

The next step on this journey is to have a Chorionic villus sampling (CVS), scheduled to take place on Christmas Eve. Normally, I would get the test results back in two days, but now I'm having to wait until the following Wednesday.

If the CVS comes back negative for chromosonal abnormality, we wait until the week 16 scan when the specialist will be able to check the fetus for other possible abnormalities that aren't covered by the CVS. By then we should know enough to make a decision whether to terminate or continue the pregnancy. I will trust my own inner guidance above that of the doctors when making the final decision though. In my experience, they are quite often wrong.

A big heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who are praying for us and sending healing to Beanie. Your loving support means more than you'll ever know!