Flipping the Switch

Self-Dominion - Chaffinch - The Chariot

Last night, I had a terrifying dream. Someone had broken into my flat, stolen my computer and made a mess of my tarot collection. The man who had stolen some of my things and ruined my tarot cards came back for more shortly after I had made the terrible discovery, simply because I hadn't been quick enough to lock the door. He let me know that he could gain entry any time he wanted to and also that I would do as I was told.

After he left, I went back into my living room to clean up the mess. That is when I spotted a bird behind the curtain. A chaffinch was sitting there, patiently waiting for me to let it out of the window. I opened the window and it flew away. So comforted was I by the bird's presence that I forgot all about the horrible burglar and then I woke up.

Upon waking, I went to have a look in Swedish shaman Solöga's book about the meaning of the chaffinch (bofink in Swedish). It is about self-dominion, acting with authority and being your own master. All of this relates very much to the charioteer and the meaning of today's card, The Chariot, as well as to the struggles I'm currently experiencing with respect.

If I were to place The Chariot card along the shushumna (the energy channel along the spine), I would place it over the solar plexus chakra, the ego centre. This is where we learn self-respect and to act on that self-respect, which is what self-dominion is all about.

When Willow died, I stopped being responsible with the energy of my ego-centre. I didn't want to control that force any more... but I made the mistake of handing the reins to someone who wanted it even less... so when Willow's father left nothing but chaos remained. I wanted to die. It was like flipping a switch and I know now that the switch is located in my solar plexus chakra. I'm slowly gathering the energy back in, looking after myself and finding order in chaos.

When he left, he took not only his love away from me but the dream of a future together and trying for another baby, something we had already discussed. We had made plans about our future work life too. When he left, he literally took my whole future with him. All that remained was pain and emptiness. There was nothing left to do but grieve.

Was it wrong of me to want to hand the reins to someone else temporarily? No, it wasn't but it was a mistake to think that he would want to take them. In a relationship, you have to take turns under extreme circumstances... I was very weak after delivering Willow and losing lots of blood. I was rushed to theatre because of the blood loss but the blood was never replaced. I was expected to just carry on as normal.

I needed to feel looked after for just a while, like a child who has come down with a fever. But it never happened. There was no care, no nurturing other than what I was prepared to give to myself. At that point in time, that was just too tall an order. When I most needed someone to be there for me... that one time... there was noone, including myself.

So what is the moral of the story? Build your self-respect and strength (which brings us to tomorrow's card, Strength). Set healthy boundaries. Choose carefully who you place your trust in. Be patient, measured and move slowly in matters of the heart. Always have a plan B.