Another dream about Willow

Shortly after I miscarried baby Willow at 14 weeks due to Edward's syndrome (Trisomy 18), the baby's father left. He is running from the pain of the loss, refusing to deal with it. This is what I wish I could share with him:

Do you ever dream about her? I had another dream about her last night. We couldn't find her... after looking frantically everywhere, we found her sleeping peacefully in our bed. I picked her up and held her close to my heart, weeping with relief. She woke up and ate hungrily from the first breast... I burped her and tried to feed her from the second breast but she soon fell asleep again in my arms.

It was a sweet and realisitic dream... well, apart from the bit about us misplacing the baby... but I suppose that is realistic too since you and I don't talk about her. She feels very close right now. I hope you can feel her this way too and that you are comforted by her presence.

Choosing Joy

"King of Cups - A devoted husband and father. A man fiercely protective of his loved ones. A successful and mature man employed in the creative arts. A new connection is possible. A man capable of giving and receiving love freely without the reservations of youth. Love lessons have been learned."

This was my card of the day on the Tarot on Facebook application. It describes the father of my unborn child. It also describes where I am at on my own journey - finally free, finally capable of choosing joy...

This is the second day of knowing that I am pregnant, and I woke up early even though I finally had a chance to lie in. So many thoughts were going through my head. I caught myself worrying about things that I could do nothing about and made a conscious effort of letting go of worry. I choose joy. On this particular journey, I choose nothing but joy.

I so wish I had known what I know now when I was expecting my other three children. But I can't beat myself up for being the way I was - that is not going to help anyone. I did my best knowing what I knew then.

My prayer this morning is that the joy that this new child brings in will benefit all of my children.