I'm 40 and it I know there are many women a lot younger than me who are trying to conceive... trying and failing. We like to think that we are in control of our lives but things like life and death are hugely out of our hands and serve as great reminders to stay in the moment and go with the flow. I open up to Life and accept this gift with open arms... just as I wish to open my arms to embrace Death when my time comes.
The relationship with the father-to-be is only a few months old. He is 42 and a first time father. We are still in the process of getting to know each other. The learning curve for this relationship is steep with a pregnancy so early on, but there is faith, trust and a willingness in both of us to dare to show vulnerability. This is very exciting to me, as it is my first relationship with a man who is not afraid of real intimacy. About bloody time, some might say... but men like my partner are few and far between. I guess that makes me twice lucky.
We are not engaged, not married and not making plans to marry... just going with the flow. I believe it would be wrong to get married for the sake of the baby. I feel so much stronger mentally than I did when I was younger and going through the pregnancies with the other three. I feel ready to let go of the need to control every aspect of my existence. Trusting is so much better. And I wonder what it will feel like giving birth with this sort of trust guiding my thoughts.
