Grace wears black sometimes, when she wants us to grow our souls to make room for more love and compassion...
The night before we found out that Willow's heart had stopped beating, I had two dreams. In the first dream, someone had sent me a grief councelling package through the post. It was red with white hearts on and there were baby shoes inside it. Another scene of the same dream hade me lying on a table, shaking with grief, wailing like a mad person.
The day before was one of the most difficult days of my life. I knew we were losing our baby, and amidst all the grief I was taken over by a rage such as I had never known before. It was as if all the pain that every mother had felt since the dawn of time had been poured into me... and I rebelled against it with fire and blind rage. I was Lilith and Kali, and I wanted the world to burn to the ground. I allowed the fires to consume me so that I could be reborn, so that I could rise from the ashes like the phoenix.
It wasn't pretty to behold and my beloved got caught in the firestorm. I was out of control for a while and everything about me was destruction... but the rage only lasted for a few hours because I didn't try to resist or push it down.
The second dream spoke of my animal nature - the instincts that take over when someone or something threatens our offspring. In this dream, my cat was being mauled by a dog. I spotted this from my bedroom window and went outside to try to rescue my cat. The dog then turned on me and started biting me. I woke up mid attack. I instantly knew that this dream represented two aspects of my psyche at war with one another.
The cat is my feminine, instinctual self and the dog is the masculine, logical part of me. As I was faced with the choice to terminate a pregnancy that would only end in suffering the two voices inside me went something like this:
Dog: "Termination is the merciful thing to do. You will prevent much suffering. Don't be so selfish. Think of the kind of suffering these babies are put through. Think of your partner. Remember, you had already discussed the eventuality of what to do if the baby was diagnosed with T18 - don't let your emotions get in the way of doing what is right and humane."
Cat: "Fuck off. Mother Nature knows what She is doing. Stupid dog. Trust your body."
By the time of the dream, the voice of the cat had been silenced by the demise of my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. But in the end, the cat won - Mother Nature had the final word... and I didn't have to make a choice no mother should ever have to be faced with.
Thanks to these two dreams, I was prepared for the results of the final ultrasound scan.
When I woke up in the morning, I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for the decision to be taken away for us by either a miracle of healing or for the baby to go to heaven. Even as I prayed, I knew this was no 'baby soul' but an ancient teacher who had come to grace us with her presence for a spell. I also knew that there would be no healing miracle. I know what they feel like and there was none of that going on.
Me on New Year's Eve 2010 at 14+1, hours before the final scan
As we were on the way to the hospital, I heard Willow speak. She responded to some thoughts I had about my partner, giving me a more balanced view of what was happening. I don't know how long she will be with me in this way, but I am so very grateful for her presence.
Willow herself gave us her name. This has been confirmed - twice. First my sister told me that she and her partner had decided to plant a willow tree next to a lake, unbeknownst of the fact that 'Beanie' now had a real name. I found out when I rang her up to tell her of the results of the scan. She is going to dedicate this tree to our Willow.
This morning, I found out that a FB friend of mine had only just decided to plant a willow tree too. She said she would think of our Willow when planting it.
Spirit has many ways of making itself manifest. I marvel at the syncronicity here... but I'm not surprised. This is, after all the, same baby girl who appeared to me twice in my dreams already, giving me the sweetest baby kisses... allowing me to know her love for me in a way that surpasses anything I'm able to describe in words... but maybe, if you close your eyes for a moment and allow Willow to come to you... then maybe you will feel her love too.
The past couple of weeks since the 12 week scan have been hell in so many ways, yet I feel so very graced by it all. That doesn't mean that the pain is gone... or that there isn't plenty more to come. I have yet to go to the hospital for induced labour on Monday and Wednesday next week... But Willow lives and she will never have to know pain. All she knew in my womb was unconditional love. That is all she received and all she gave. She is real, alive and I am blessed to know her. I am also blessed with three beautiful healthy children.
On top of all this, we have been showered with love and healing from so many friends.
Thank you! We are all connected through a huge web of love. This is real and all that matters in the end. I wouldn't know such love, had I not known the pain that precedes it.
Another FB friend of mine sent me the poem "In the Willow Shade" by Christina Rossetti (thanks, Stephanie!):
I sat beneath a willow tree,
Where water falls and calls;
While fancies upon fancies solaced me,
Some true, and some were false.
Who set their heart upon a hope
That never comes to pass,
Droop in the end like fading heliotrope
The sun's wan looking-glass.
Who set their will upon a whim
Clung to through good and ill,
Are wrecked alike whether they sink or swim,
Or hit or miss their will.
All things are vain that wax and wane,
For which we waste our breath;
Love only doth not wane and is not vain,
Love only outlives death.
A singing lark rose toward the sky,
Circling he sang amain;
He sang, a speck scarce visible sky-high,
And then he sank again.
A second like a sunlit spark
Flashed singing up his track;
But never overtook that foremost lark,
And songless fluttered back.
A hovering melody of birds
Haunted the air above;
They clearly sang contentment without words,
And youth and joy and love.
O silvery weeping willow tree
With all leaves shivering,
Have you no purpose but to shadow me
Beside this rippled spring?
On this first fleeting day of Spring,
For Winter is gone by,
And every bird on every quivering wing
Floats in a sunny sky;
On this first Summer-like soft day,
While sunshine steeps the air,
And every cloud has gat itself away,
And birds sing everywhere.
Have you no purpose in the world
But thus to shadow me
With all your tender drooping twigs unfurled,
O weeping willow tree?
With all your tremulous leaves outspread
Betwixt me and the sun,
While here I loiter on a mossy bed
With half my work undone;
My work undone, that should be done
At once with all my might;
For after the long day and lingering sun
Comes the unworking night.
This day is lapsing on its way,
Is lapsing out of sight;
And after all the chances of the day
Comes the resourceless night.
The weeping willow shook its head
And stretched its shadow long;
The west grew crimson, the sun smoldered red,
The birds forbore a song.
Slow wind sighed through the willow leaves,
The ripple made a moan,
The world drooped murmuring like a thing that grieves;
And then I felt alone.
I rose to go, and felt the chill,
And shivered as I went;
Yet shivering wondered, and I wonder still,
What more that willow meant;
That silvery weeping willow tree
With all leaves shivering,
Which spent one long day overshadowing me
Beside a spring in Spring.
