The Magician - Telling My Story
...in the month of Libra, a woman who was not quite young, nor a first-time mother, learned that she had fallen pregnant. Even though it wasn't planned, she was the happiest woman on earth the day she learned she was pregnant because the child she carried was a love child. Such was the love this woman had for the father of her baby that she adored him completely and suffered deeply when they were separated.
They did not have much but they had each other and they vowed to inspire each other to succeed. He was an musician and she was a poet.. This child would have been born on a wave of poetry and music into humble material circumstances but utterly and completely loved.
He seemed happy at the thought of becoming a father but the woman had a dream about three weeks into the pregnancy. Her beloved had written in big letters on a brick wall that he was not ready to be a father - he had to go abroad. She told him about the dream the next morning. He said nothing and she did all she could to forget all about it.
The pregnancy progressed well and the morning sickness subsided. Plans were put in motion to welcome the baby to this planet. Practicalities were considered. Finances were juggled and there was talk of marriage. Together they found the perfect ring which she hoped he would get when he could afford it. Not that there was any rush... She had perfect faith in his love for her and envisioned herself growing old together with him. They didn't have much but they had a tender budding hope. It got to the time for the 12 week scan and both parents-to-be were starting to get excited.
Watching the monitor expectantly, the woman instantly saw that there was something wrong with the little life that grew inside her. There was a 'bubble' on the baby's neck and she knew from the depths of her that this little one would not make it. Yet she clung to hope and prayed for a miracle with all her being. They both did. They struggled to get through Christmas and New Year's together and ended up spending both in hospital on account of more tests and scans.
All they knew was that something was terribly wrong and waiting for the diagnosis was the most difficult thing they'd both had to endure. Tempers got frayed. Finances were strained. New lows were reached all around. Had life not been hard enough for both of them aldready? Yet the woman clung to the fact that they still had each other and believed with all her heart that if they could only talk about it all together, they would make it through this. Surely, communication was the key to healing?
The diagnosis was delivered over the phone one day when the woman was out shopping. She demanded to know the truth straight away even though the doctor advised her to go home and sit down. She told the doctor she wouldn't make it home unless she could find out the results. Unfortunately, it was the worst possible kind of news a mother-to-be can ever receive. She was told that her baby hade a serious genetic disorder which makes the fetus less than 'compatible with life.' Some of these little onese make it to live birth but most of those die within the first 24 hours. They are in agony from their first breath until their last.
At their next hospital visit, the fetal specialist told the couple all there is to know about "Edward's syndrome" and that they had the option to terminate. Even so, the woman couldn't make herself go through with killing this fragile life growing inside her so she started to pray. With all her might she prayed that choice be taken away from her. They went for the final scan and was told by the doctor that they had mercifully been spared having to make a decision - the baby's heart had stopped.
An evacuation was scheduled but the woman started bleeding the night before and was afraid of miscarrying at home. The couple drove to the hospital in a sombre mood that cold January night. All the while, the woman kept telling herself it would soon be over. She was bracing herself bravely for all kinds of pain and took comfort that her beloved was by her side - with him by her side she could face anything.
Early in the morning the next day, the woman gave birth to the angel baby, a beautiful little girl. The couple spent some time with her before the midwife carried the tiny baby away on a white lace cushion. There was to be no memorial service, no grave to visit... The goodbye was oh so very final. However, the woman was starting to get lightheaded from blood loss by now and was almost beyond caring. She could feel the life force slip out of her and she welcomed it. She wanted to go with her little angel.... but it wasn't meant to be.
The blood loss was spotted by the midwife and the woman was rushed to theatre. She started shaking violently in the pre-op area because even though she felt like she wanted to leave the planet and join her angel, she was afraid of not seeing her beloved again. She had much to live for and decided to pull through.
The surgery went well and when she came to she was happy to still be alive. She couldn't wait to see her beloved again. When they left the hospital, the staff were saying how they wished to see the couple back there same time next year but under happier circumstances. They left leaving holding hands and her final words to him before leaving the hospital were 'At least we have each other'....
Little did she know that he was not ready or willing to face the aftermath with her. Little did she know that their days were already counted and that she would be left on her own only days later. Little did she know how this double loss would nearly finish her off.
Now she knows her own strength and just how far her fighting spirit can carry her. Now she knows that the love she has for the baby gives her wings. Now she knows grieving, although slightly muted with time, never truly ends.
